Today for no reason, I started coughing badly in the morning. Before I knew it, I was coughing up alot of phelgm. My nose was also dripping. Wtf I have barely recovered from my 5 Jan bout of flu and now today I was feeling worse. Worst, I have to work for the next 3 days.... Do I have an allergy to work -- cos back when I was working in my previous job (stat board), when I fell ill, my coughing would last more than 3 months. It was no joke and regardless of what medicine I took, it never cured my cough.
Quickly bought a cough mixture and started to take my decongest meds. Feeling abit better now. Skipped erhu today so I can sleep early today.
Last year I was concerned about my kidney (after my annual healthcheck in Mar) and then later on my breast lumps (in Oct). The first health scare were what triggered me to throw in the towel. I have enough - insomnia, bad temper, bad anxiety daily, no appetite which no matter how much exercise or brainwashing, won't make them go away. I tried learning music instruments but nothing worked. It's all in the mind.
Today the vet came to look at Lily, she is 13 yo this year, Xiaobai 12 yo. Luckily her protein level is back to normal and I will continue to boil eggs for both dogs daily. The topic of which dog dying came up either in my dream or when Elva asked me during tuition. I believed my dream was preparing me mentally that Xiaobai will die first then Lily. Maybe LG wants me to be prepared and not be sad. Xiaobai will be with him :) After that, Lily too. Me too eventually. We will all be reunited again :)
In my dream, I didn't cry when Xiaobai died. I was very cold and collected... as I felt Xiaobai will join hubby in heaven. I remembered many years ago when I was still living in Bukit Panjang, I cried when I suddenly was drying Xiaobai's fur after bathing when the thought of her dying hit me.
But after hubby's passing, I realised I have learnt to kan de kai le. Nothing was more painful that his passing. The immense void I felt was so overbearing everyday. I cried every night for a long time until I got lao hua. I want to be strong and not shred any more tears when talking about YS so that we can all remember him as he was.
Recently when my colleague at Artscience asked me how I coped with his death, I pondered and realised I just kept busy - went back to work after 1 week. Went to take driving lessons immediately so that I could drive the car. Wrote to Public Trustee to settle his stuff. Every night, I continue to cry.
Now the pain is not as much, I always tell myself that I will accumulate experiences (no matter good or bad) and I will tell him of my adventures. I will meet him again. I need to accumulate enough merits in this life so that I can go to Tian Jie to meet him there.
Today a recruiter also contacted me as I applied for the perm admin post that only require me to work 3 days a week. If I get the job, which require me to go through interview, I am thinking how to balance my SO commitments cos I signed up for 4 Fridays and 1 Thurs SO work in Feb. Maybe I would need to discuss with my boss if they ever decide to employ me, that I would work Thurs instead.
Any way was caught off guard when she asked me why I left my previous job. I told her I needed a career break after doing the same things for 14 years. A change of environment and work to break the cycle. On looking back, I was indeed doing the same things for 14 years - getting data, doing routines, enhance website, enhance internal system, upgrade internal systems just on different scales over the years.
I cannot imagine going back to the same old shit even if the pay is good. I am only earning 10% of what I earned previously but I had no regrets. I think I don't have much time left and I should focus on doing new things and learning new stuff. Whatever I have, I can't bring a cent in my after life.
Life is an adventure and I need to be wary of scams (this point is so off).
What will 2025 bring for me - a new beginning to see a bigger world and not wallow in self-pity. Practise gratefulness every day no matter what circumstances. If I die, I die in comfort cos I have a roof over my head, a warm bed and blanket, a clean toilet to use. No regrets.
