In a spending mood everyday

I am at the stage where nothing makes me feel alive except when I am exercising. 

The brain is forever fogged, perpetually tired but am noy sure what to do. Watching youtubes and tv, only makes me more empty.

Turned to online shopping. But realised as I shop, I still feel empty. 

Was thinking would it matter if I jist dropped dead now? 

Will switching job help me? I bet NO.

Has felt this way since 2017. Is it burnout? Is it because there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to work towards.

The only thing I ever look forward, is sleep. 

I do not know what to spend time on. Everytime I start to read a book, i would never complete it, regardless of the topic. 

I feel like going out for a long walk, so as to refresh myself but the weather is so hot.

I lost alot of interest in stuff. And I dont give a damn about anything. Is this jadedness? Or just burnout?

I tried exercising but it doesnt help. Finding meaning in things just make me more lost as there is no meaning and purpose in life. Was thinking if heaven tells me I only got a month or a week to live, what will I do?

This got me thinking of my wishlist before I close my eyes one last time.

- to enjoy some coffee on a balcony watching the beautiful sunset, water vew with cool breeze on my face

- to go to the disneyland in US (a childhood dream that is not fulilled because nobody close to me, wants to go US)

- go for a staycation at a very luxurious hotel (just for once to feel atas)

- go for a very atas high tea

- go swimming in an indoor pool (something that occasionally comes to mind - like the feeling of swimming)

- live on a super high and windy floor

- not have to work

- exercise and put on youtube

- do nothing peacefully

What Ifs

What if I achieved coast FIRE, how will I spend my day?

My coast Fire amount is 500k, assuming a 4% return, it will be paasive income of 1.67k a month.

Unless I ditched the car, and not pay the medical bill, this amount is not enough to cover my living expenses.

I expect to pay off the medical bill in 3 years, and the car loan in 6 years. So minimally I still need to work full time for 6 years.

Assuming I retire at age 45 with 1.67k a month, I will need a job that pays at least 2k, so as to be able to keep myself active mentally.

This is a goal I can strive for, while i continue to learn in my job.

Lost

I gave in to my husband's request to get a 2nd hand car. Initially I was very firm that we do not need a car as we are saddled with his medical bill 33k (paid 3k).

But on wed, after a short get together with my dept, we talked amongst ourselves and we were talking about our late father. Of the three, all our late fathers had passed away at 69 years old. I realised my hubby is also this age. He might not have long left, so why not make him happy when i can. 

Today bought a 2nd hand camry 2.0 for 59k. Monthly instalment is 700.

I might also not live long enough, so why worry about retiring early.