Back to work

Back to work in office. 

Woke up at 5am. 

1) pray

2) sweep the floor

3) fed the dogs (lined 1 pee pad)

4) close windows

Left house at 6.45am.

Remember - take things one thing at a time. One day at a time.

Missed him

Today is the 14th day of his passing. And reminded of him everywhere in the house.

Still get emotional when thinking of him. But like mum said, it is a relief for him because he is suffering everyday - pains.

day 4 of wake

Cremation was on monday because the priest said it was a good date. Sunday was not good.

We came early 9plus.

Last rites include circling his coffin - managed to hold back tears. Tears are not good in taoist rites. 

Was tearing but when sending off the car, cant controll my tears. Was told to sit at the front, was tearing all the way to mandai. There, we had to wait for a while before we could go in.

Finally the sendoff, was trying to control my tears cos it was important to tell LG to get out of his body before going to the fire chamber. His sister was hysterical and wailing so loudly that i was affected. But i recovered and concentrate on telling him to leave.

After that, went to change out of our clothes. 

Throughout, his younger daughter ky didnt cry. The elder one was inconsolable. I was pissed with them. They did not reply to LG pleas for them to visit him. After his discharge, only ky came once to see him in icu, once at our place. After that, no messages from them. Broke LG heart. Anyway I didnt want to have anything to do with them after the funeral.

Took the chartered bus back 

 to sin ming. When we returned, the place was already setup for a new person. Had lunch at the sin ming coffeeshop with ah keong and yq family. His siblings and relatives were seated in another table. Couldnt care too much and we left after eating.

Day 3 of wake

Mum brought more silver and gold papers, we carried more water and paper to sin ming and reach 9.30am. Yq and her hubby came. The paper house was up.

Cleaned up abit and began folding ingots. J came to help, so grateful. Followed by other colleagues. Chat abit and then Bao Ling and family came. Entertained them abit, then they left very shortly.

Rites began and LG friends came. Ah man, ah ding, ah keong and family. It lasted quite a while because it was the last night. After the 破地狱，we burned the house, his car and his ingots. It burned very fast and we were told to call out to him to get his stuff.

We left 11pm - cant remember cos was very tired. The next day is cremation, so braced myself for a tearful farewell.

Day 2 of wake

Ah yin (priest) came to my flat at 9am, to perform the rites to 请 the ancestors back with him. He also bless the house.

Mum brought more silver, gold papers so that we do not use the parlours one. Yenn went to buy some groceries - drinks, snacks etc. I brought his remaining clothes. She broke my trolley but it was ok. I am grateful she was around, else in that emotional state, i would have collapsed. She stayed with me over night. She also handled the finances.

We went there around 10.30am, Andy (his friend) came earlier to pay respects.

We set up the place and then i went with Mr Lim (referred by Mr Wong) to mandai to pick the niche for him. His wishes was to put his ashes at mandai columbarium. Chose the slot and the marble slab design. Couldnt get the nea counter to print the documents as the system is down. Got back to the wake at 1pm. 

Yenn went to buy lunch. I waited for my colleagues. Jenn came, followed by the rest. Didnt cry in front of my colleagues, cos i was very zombie. Slept only 2 hours in 48 hours. Couldnt sleep as the scene of my husband's death kept replaying in my head at night.

My colleagues all chipped in to help me fold the paper ingots as we need 13 bags. In the end, they made 8.5 bags. We made 2-3 more. 

My friend F came. Wj came later at night. 

The taoist rites began at 6.30pm. Another session at 9pm.

His friends came also at night. 

We left 10.30pm at night. Went home, was finally able to sleep that night. I slept 7hrs.

12 Aug my LG passed on

Wth heavy heart, I decided to write down what has happened to my LG so that I will not forget this day.

Around 1am, he woke me up saying he can't breathe. I wanted to call the ambulance but he stopped me. His panting got worse and he even wanted to go to the hospital on our own. Seeing the seriousness, I called 995. I made the dogs go into my room, opened the door and got changed. While waiting, he collapsed on the bed not breathing. Not cpr trained, i called 995 again andbwas told to do cpr, but i think i wasnt able to do it correctly.

I tried doing the cpr until the medics came but in my heart, i know he would not make it. Despite the medics trying to resuscitate him, his heart was not beating. I went with the ambulance  to CGH and shortly after the doc spoke and asked me to brace for the worst. He was gone.

I called my mum to break the news, and also called yq (his god sister). It was 2 something. My sis went to my house to grab his hp so that I can call his daughters. 

After that, i was led to a room where his body was parked. Yq came with her husband to see him. Shortly after multiple calls to his daughters, his daughter ky picked up the call and I told them to come to cgh. In the end, they saw him for the last time.

After that, his body was wheeled to the mortuary. As doc could not determine the cause of death, his case was followed up by police officers. I was interviewed and I gave them the medical history and the circumstances leading to his death. Was told I could only get the body the next day. 

Went home to rest. My mum had reached my place. We talked abit and all i was doing was waiting for daybreak so that I could call Ah Yin, the taoist priest that he had wanted for his last rites.

While waiting, i whatapp LG relative. Luckily i kept his younger sister hp. After that, his younger sis called crying to know what happened. She then went on to inform his siblings whom he was estranged with.

When 9am came, I called Ah Yin. He told Mr wong to call me. Had a chat with him and he told me to meet him at his office. Me and my sis went down to talk about the rites (choosing the coffin, the rites - 破地狱). Halfway, got a call from police officer to go collect LG at sgh, coroner had ruled out foul play. It was the deities working.

So after choosing, we grabbed to SGH directly. There, it was a long wait to get his body. After that, hos body was driven off by the undertaker man. We went home because we have to prepare his clothes, to line the coffin. His suit, shirts, denture, socks, shoes. I brought half of his clothes, and we made our way to sin ming. He wanted his wake there. 

There, we reached around 4pm. KX was there. The priest did some chanting after everything was set up. It was a simple but bright setup. 

The flower wreath from my company arrived. His siblings came in the evening. That day, i also arranged for the dog sitter, his friend Ah Cheong came with his son. He fetched me home to bring the dogs over. After that, he brought me back to the wake. 

There, we kept foldong the silver and gold ingots. We left around 11pm.

Reviewed financial goal

Review 

Today is national day. Having a slow day today. 

Do not have any plans today as am just plain lazy to go out.

Was looking at investment blogs. Suddenly got in a mood to review my financial goal. My goal had been to accumulate 500k cash/investments that can return 4% a year. Meaning I will have 20k passive income a month.

With what happened do my husband, am saddled with an additional 1250/mth debt for 2 years. Coupled with the 2nd hand car purchase, my expenditure had rose to 4500/mth.

Seem quite impossible to FIRE based on my current expenditure and the passive income. So it dawned to me, I still need to work for another 6 years. It is quite a long while and am not confident I could still stay in my job for another 6 years. 

By 45 years old, my car debt and the hospital bill would be settled. My CPF monies then would be able to fully settle the home loan. All the debts would be settled. Only then I think would 20k per year passive income be enough.

Job

Hopefully I can tahan until another 6 years in my job. Every day is a struggle, some easier some hard. I should be grateful to have this job no matter how bad I think it is. I have good colleagues and a good boss. Can't really ask for more. Work is sucky and I already feel very fearful and anxious at work. 

Can't shake off this anxiety even with the tries below:

Trying to read books on zen-liness to make myself feel better, but it never last. Watch worse off people battle to make money to feed themself (yes, feeding themselves) only make me feel grateful for a while but it never last. Trying to read books to boost myself up or listen to youtube videos, those works for a short while.

Going to exercise 2-3 times a week, make it easier. I am very grateful I have a colleague who is an exercise buddy to me. Contemplating to pick up running again and to go running during wfh days. 

maybe all the above won't make a dent as long as I can't let go. What if it all works out when I let go of everything? Maybe this works. Should try this out whenever I start to worry. 

Life

Feeling numbed everyday. Don't feel happiness. 

I kinda dunno what feeling happy feels like? I remembered I was very happy a few years ago when I went to USS with my elder sister and we took all the challenging rides.

Everyday is filled with dread. What must I do to get ride of this dread and be able to live life calmly and peacefully? 

US portfoili

I ventured into buying US stocks early this year. Was reading some other sg blogs and one talked about rebalancing his US portfiolio.

I did a quick calculation of my losses (unrealised) as I didnt sell any US stocks. I had invested a total of US$10,927. My loss is US$633, a 6% decline.

Not bad. I think my worst was in 2007, 2008 where all my SG counters were in the red, some as much as halved. Worst investment that I made a loss, was ASL marine. 

Alibaba

Despite Alibaba being put on SEC listing, I decided to buy 19 shares at 88 each.

It would take another 3 years or so for the delisting to happen, so alot of things could change.