Reviewed financial goal

Review 

Today is national day. Having a slow day today. 

Do not have any plans today as am just plain lazy to go out.

Was looking at investment blogs. Suddenly got in a mood to review my financial goal. My goal had been to accumulate 500k cash/investments that can return 4% a year. Meaning I will have 20k passive income a month.

With what happened do my husband, am saddled with an additional 1250/mth debt for 2 years. Coupled with the 2nd hand car purchase, my expenditure had rose to 4500/mth.

Seem quite impossible to FIRE based on my current expenditure and the passive income. So it dawned to me, I still need to work for another 6 years. It is quite a long while and am not confident I could still stay in my job for another 6 years. 

By 45 years old, my car debt and the hospital bill would be settled. My CPF monies then would be able to fully settle the home loan. All the debts would be settled. Only then I think would 20k per year passive income be enough.

Job

Hopefully I can tahan until another 6 years in my job. Every day is a struggle, some easier some hard. I should be grateful to have this job no matter how bad I think it is. I have good colleagues and a good boss. Can't really ask for more. Work is sucky and I already feel very fearful and anxious at work. 

Can't shake off this anxiety even with the tries below:

Trying to read books on zen-liness to make myself feel better, but it never last. Watch worse off people battle to make money to feed themself (yes, feeding themselves) only make me feel grateful for a while but it never last. Trying to read books to boost myself up or listen to youtube videos, those works for a short while.

Going to exercise 2-3 times a week, make it easier. I am very grateful I have a colleague who is an exercise buddy to me. Contemplating to pick up running again and to go running during wfh days. 

maybe all the above won't make a dent as long as I can't let go. What if it all works out when I let go of everything? Maybe this works. Should try this out whenever I start to worry. 

Life

Feeling numbed everyday. Don't feel happiness. 

I kinda dunno what feeling happy feels like? I remembered I was very happy a few years ago when I went to USS with my elder sister and we took all the challenging rides.

Everyday is filled with dread. What must I do to get ride of this dread and be able to live life calmly and peacefully?