Aug month was hard

The month of Aug was difficult, the scenes of that faithful night continued to haunt me. I blamed myself for his death. I could have prevented that. 

Then i would sunk into depression - wanting to die. 

A few nights, I had a dream that I was gunned down. And instead of fear, I remembered very vividly that I heaved a sigh of relief 'finally'. Then pitch darkness. A few moments later, i reappeared in another scene.

It was very telling.... that my ultimate goal was to die in peace. If this was the case, what is holding me from quitting my job.