Jealousy

Well I thought I won't be jealous because I did not feel jealousy towards my colleagues when I was working and they got promoted. Because I truly believe they deserved the promotion.

But today while watching a YouTube video which tells people to not tell people how much they have, I recalled a conversation with my ex colleagues. Some of them are getting a promotion this year. 

I remembered feeling very jealous but I know I don't want it. Recalling my own promotion, my stress level shot through the roof. I felt like a failure because I got staff that I need to look out for and one was not performing well. 

Anyway when I last left, both my staff were doing well. I left with an 安心. This is why I no longer hankers after any high paying job, the anxiety for my own works, my staff works and everything was eating me away. I had insomnia where I would wake up at 3am everyday.

I was anemic, lack of sleep, overweight, chronically tired. When I get a cough, I would cough 3 months.

Now I can sleep till 7am, lost some weight, eat better, and if down with cough, cough 1-2 weeks. All these are signs of better health.

No point having more money as you can't bring it to your grave. Live fruitfully.

Restless

I realized I can't sit and do nothing. I had been playing my PS5 game Persona and hit a roadblock. I would stop liao cos just nice my training starts on 2 April. Then thought to switch to watching YouTube. While watching YouTube, I did some packing for my upcoming Penang trip. After my trip, I would start my training at Toh Tuck.

It is 8 months into my semi retirement life. This month, I would have earned 600 bucks. Haha when I compare this to my full time job pay of 9k, is heaven and earth. I don't regret it. Recently I don't feel well, this could be my end.

Even so, I will not change my lifestyle. Daily caifan and Chinese noodle. I had been eating so for these months and I still like it. 

Tmr, I would be meeting ys sisters and niece. We had wanted to have lunch but due to ys big bro, the Feb lunch was cancelled. Will be going to Raffles club. Just had to wear better. I am not sure how much the lunch would cost, but I intend to play dutch. Later go google. Costs are around 25 or above.

I ask myself whether I see myself working like this ... Yes. I would treat my usher, security job as exercise. I need to learn from Pritar, an 80 year old who works 26 days a month, doing a strenuous job. Even for myself, I find it strenuous but he had worked there for 6 years and just want to work more days. I very peifu him. I am half his age, and he is not complaining, so why am I?

One mountain higher than this mountain

一山还有一山高

Today is my first usher day after almost 2 months break.

It was a breeze even though it was new to me. There are 2 new exhibitions so got more slots for us to work. Initially was going to work today then I would have no work till 2 April.

Then suddenly I got a WhatsApp asking me to work tmr. Well, why not 

Today worked non stop 5 hours but ok mainly because I got trained by my security job where I had to work 6 sometimes 7 without a break. And there, it was hot. I always sweat like mad. Then I did 12 hour shift recently. Woah, it was tiring.

So today after a hiatus, I realized how good my usher job feels. There is aircon and free meals. Only bad point is I can't go toilet as and when I like, so had to not drink water until my lunch break and dinner break. Initially wanted to stop my usher job after I trained for aviation. But now, I decided otherwise, maybe go work once a week.

8 months since I left my full time job

When someone asked me when I left my full time job, I realised it had been 8 months. 

I still remember the scenes of my last day like it was 1 or 2 months ago.

I started finding part time jobs to pass time in late dec, and it is almost 3 months. The days pass very slowly, but the month passed very quickly. In 4 months, it will be 1 year. Nobody missed me at work. 

Nobody is indispensable no matter who tells you otherwise. As Sadhguru says, today u varnish, there is no impact to the world.

Earned on average 500 bucks per month. Am I happy? Yes. I can sleep better. Previously I would wake up 3am and cannot sleep. Now i wake up naturally at 7am plus.

My weight is down to 60.4kg, I lost 10kg. Was heaviest at 70kg in Jan 2024. Maybe the cortisol level makes it difficult for me to lose weight all these while.

Appetite on and off. Today appetite comes back.

Am not sure whether I can live for how long more. Cherish everyday and treat as experiences. 

As I looked back, I have forgotten alot of my memories of my previous travels. I am afraid I would forget him someday. I hope this day does not come.

Gain as much experiences whether good or bad, and you can share them with him when you meet again.

Today is my 3rd working day for March

I only worked 6 days in Feb mainly becos I have no usher jobs. Then the no-usher-job extended into March. 

Maybe after my April training, I would quit the usher job cos they also dun have much jobs.

This month, I am also only working 5 days, 4 days as security and 1 day usher.

Had been thinking about whether this is truly what I want. And yes, it is. 

I have the ability to control when I feel like working. 

Someone asked me if I would go back to full time work. I doubt so, at least not for the next 1 or 2 years. Just want to avoid the anxiety I feel, on every working days. This is my problem but I feel anxiety even when going for usher job.

So can imagine if this is how I feel, it would be even worse 5 days a week.

Yes, i missed my fat paycheck and ability to spend without battling an eyelid, but after the past 8 months of low income, I have not died nor starved. 

A daily routine would be watching youtube, playing ps5, music instruments and jogging. Yes, I need to pick it up again. My lifestyle would not change much already. There would be times when I am extremely bored at home and I would go out to jalan jalan.

The appetite comes in and out, mainly is the end of me soon.

CDL

Bought another 2 lots of CDL. I believe the current debacle will not affect the long term viability of the company, just like how Singpost is still around despite the recent events.

CDL has a NAV of 10 dollars, I have a large margin of safety by buying at 4.97.

After this, I have no more ammunition to buy stocks. Shall rest and accumulate very slowly.

Bored day

Today is my last free tuition. E only needs to come back if her spelling falls below 70. See whether this tactic works, and also simon can spend more time with his family.

Then my guqin teacher fell sick so class was cancelled. So have been idling around since 10.30am. Then decided to practise my erhu 1 hr.

Then while sitting in my room,  I was thinking how to reduce my room furniture. Wanted to throw 1 cupboard away. Actually I can, managed to clear most of the cupboard stuff. Another day will consolidate then i will email the town council to come and clear.

Thiinking of minimising my stuff, maybe is due to my own health. I do not want to leave behind alot of rubbish for my sisters to clear. So I am going to start and see if I could reduce my stuff by 50%.

Also, since I am pretty bored and free, I could start to embark on this journey.

Actually abit 不舍得， that cupboard is YS medicinal cupboard and the wood is very good. 

Anyway I think I can clear out my stuff first. My clothes getting abit more - mainly because I bought 4 top and 2 pants for my usher and security job.

Jogging

I decided to pick up jogging again after Sep 2024 yellow prison run.

That particular run made me felt so demoralized because I couldnt run at all. The steep inclines and declines throughout the 10km, made me doubt my life.

So after that run, I stopped completely. 2 weeks ago, I just decided to run again. This jogging habit was something I did after hubby died. Mainly it was to make me exhausted so I could sleep - was suffering insomnia after his death.

Whenever I run, I would tell myself he would be waiting at the finish line.

Today is my hatch day. Was feeling aimless and seeing the weather, decided to run. But today at the park, there wasnt many people so fearing for my own safety, I just jogged 1km and exercised at the fitness corner which is more open and visible.

Maybe I can try to exercise at the fitness corner below my block occassionally. To do some weight lifting. 

Usually I dabao kopi c kosong peng after exercising, got a rude shot. The drink now cost 2.30.... last year it was still 2 bucks. Unbelievable 15 percent increase.