Fears about my job

In my previous stat board job, I was very anxious everyday. Anxious about having to speak up in meetings or presentations - fear of judgement. 

This was something I was never able to overcome despite 14 years being there.

I also do not want to interact with customers, something I hate.

Then when I took on the airport job, my anxiety came from being reprimanded from customers or own team. It was so bad I got IBS one day. I realised something is wrong.

Now with Xiaobai gone, I decided not to take up more event jobs also, it is also giving me anxiety but not as bad.

I wish to be fearless but i guess it is my innate nature to avoid conflict.

For now, I will just focus on my temp job. Try not to overthink and go with the flow.

Bought Capitaland Invest

Decided to buy some capitaland invest. The stock price was beaten down to 2.60ish from 4ish.

In the past I did buy capitaland, but sold it at 3.50ish? 

Seeing the beaten down price, decided to divest some into this stock.

Still have 110k, waiting for ocbc shares to tank.

Xiaobai antics

As I sit at home remembering her.

I decided to jot down some of her behaviors that could seriously break you sometimes. And some lovely ones I missed.

Loves

- when I look out of my window in living room, she would want me to carry her to look too with me

- when i play erhu, she would stay at the barricade near my door

- she watches me wash the toilet she dirtied every morning

- she rushed to the kitchen when I step into the house after work every time thinking it is meal time

- she licked me all over when in my lap

- she will chase insects except cockroaches and eat them

Unloves

- she loves eating shit even if it is LS because of this, i dont really let her lick me (developed ocd....because of her in a way)

- she made a mess of the toilet everyday and I pity Lily who always have to endure the dirtiness (she started eating Lily shit...)

- the mattress they slept in, get dirtied the first half day so bad sometimes I got to take it away

- sometimes she puke out the shit cos is too much and she like to do it on her bed....

- sometimes she drinks so much water, she puke out her breakfast

- she dont love toys or clothes

Not sure how long I have, but documenting these so I never forgets her. Food and shit are her loves.

I felt guilty for what I did not do for her but I need to focus on Lily whom I neglected for a few months.

She is having some sneezes and skin problems. I neglected her for a lomg while and I do not want to have the same regrets with xb.

Ys is not alone now, they are up there in heavens. We will be reunited one day.

Crows

Crows came to my kitchen window. Is it a bad omen? 

I got two concerns - breast cancer or stomach cancer?

I have 3 very bad episodes of indigestion in the past 2 months since I started worked. Am not sure if it is because of my office chair. It made me press on my stomach which is uncomfortable.

Wish me luck. Not sure if I could survive longer than Lily.

Xb doggy heaven

Am writing this post to remind me not to ever get another pet. I do not deserve another pet. Plus my own health is a concern.

Xiaobai passed on this morning between 4 to 7am, 16 Oct. I knew cos I last checked on her 3am plus and by 7am, she was gone. Uncontrollable tears and guilt but i witnessed her suffering all these while so last night I prayed YS come and bring her to heavens. They are free now. 

Xiaobai always have issues with her skin, and it had been so for many years. She was always licking or biting her skin such that when she died, she was virtually hairless.

I last brought xiaobai to a vet in 2021 after HIP. She had bad diarrhea when she was staying at Sandy place. The vet was in woodlands, after YS passed on, I had not brought her to see a vet. 

I only let the vet see Lily... partly because I could see Xiaobai was not in a good condition. I let her deterioriates.

In July, Xiaobai had unexplained LS episodes. Something similar to YS before he passed. I saw it as a sign. Her LS lasted until I sent her to dog nanny during Genting trip. She did not LS at all. I actually thought she could not make it because she was very thin then.

In the last 3 weeks, her LS stopped. But she lost strength in her hind legs. I thought she should be ok because loss of mobility does not equate to death. She was still eating and drinking but she lost more weight. 

On her last day, she had breakfast and by night, she could not eat anymore. I thought a miracle would happen, she would slowly regain her strength but I was wrong. She was struggling to breathe and I knew she would be gone. I prayed she followed YS when he comes. I prayed for YS to come fetch her. He did.

Next morning, when I woke up, I saw her poop and urine and she had stopped breathing. Gave her a bath as promised and I used the baby powder to cover up all her sores. She was clean and smelled fragrantly. Wrapped her in a new blue blanket and called for Mandai pet crematory. Paul came 11am. Mum and Yenn came to pray for xiaobai. I did not ask for her ashes as I felt i do not want to leave one more matter to 善后 when I die.

I played 大悲咒 for her last night and this morning.

Now only Lily is left. I hope I last longer than her. Must treasure the living and each day. Not sure how long I have or Lily have.

Sold Keppel

Sold 10k shares of keppel at 9.27. Cost price 5.067. Made 42k profits.

Has held keppel shares for 10 years as the monies were from Dad's cpf monies. 

Left 12k shares

Xb

Haiz everytime after bathing xiaobai, her condition degenerates badly. She could not stand up the whole day.

Went for erhu rehearsal, when I came back, she was soaked in her urine. Not sure if she pooped or ate her poop. 

Things do not look good. I put her in diapers for the night. I hope LG come and take her home to heavens. She is suffering.

I am the worst dog owner ever, I let her degenerate till this stage. This is on me forever.

Do not ever forget this and never get another pet EVER. U r the worst owner on this planet. Xiaobao is dying because of you.

Something wrong - fatigue

Hmm ever since Genting trip, I femt fatigued even after sleeping 7 or 8 hours.

Need to start taking my iron pills again as I am anemic once more.

Fatigue

Ever since I came back from Genting, I feel v tired even after sleeping many hours.

Hmm, maybe the end is near.