Xmas 2023

I spent my xmas with G. We went orchard raod to see xmas lights. But weather was rainy. There was not much xmas deco.

We mainly ate, drink, spent 20 bucks playing the scooping arcade game.

Walked alot, my heel was aching from my run yesterday (ran 10km in 1h50mins yay though walked last 500m).

In the end, came back bedok and bought 2 shirts at uniqlo. She bought 2 dresses at yuer.

I realised i dont really know what to do - i cannot eat alot. Skipped dinner as G treated me to a mac salted caramel mcflurry.

I have so much but dont feel anything. 

I should be content i have a roof, can eat, sleep, breathe, walk, poo and pee.

We dont need to buy to feel fulfilled. Spending whatever time i have with loved ones ia my priority.

Xmas eve

Blogging down some random thoughts as the year end drew nearer.

I remembered I was pretty sick last year when I got a very bad cold and cough which led me to postponement of my op.

Gratitude 

Apr - Y told us all 4 on a cruise to penang on Royal Carribean. Enjoyed the convo surrounding us not spending a penny - 4 oranges

Jun - went with Y to Taipei, had an unforgetable trip cos she got pickpicketed. Anyway it was hot and all we could think of, was go drink cama coffee

Sep - went genting with Bro and May. Enjoyed the slot machines but lost 350rm.

Nov - Hong Kong trip with colleagues. 

Next year gg ipoh with wj, sm in Jan. Japan in March.

After that, will be time to quit

Dunno if ys went with me on the trips. 

Today gg to wander around aimlessly then go home rest then run this evening.

Ran 9km

Today I finally jogged 9km for the first time, in 1h 39min.

Am training for a 10km marathon run in April 24. If I ran 10km, it should take 1hr 50min.

Trying to just run the distance at a comfortable pace, to build up my stamina. 

Hope i can continue this. This is after a tiring day out with geoky to pray to 还太岁, and shopping at tampines. 

Bought a long patch pants and a top.

5 more months and I will be free.

Last da ri zi

Today will be the last 大日子 ever.

Mum and G cooked and bought a lot of food, to repay the deities.

Brought tears as I remembered how we conducted our da ri zi in the past 13 years.

I would wake up, eat bf and made coffee with last night hot water. Cos he would brew tea. He then spent the whole morning making tea while I made myself using, arranging the furnitures, taking out the utensils and plastic bags, and stools.

Then I will dabao simple fare for him. He usually has no appetite. 

Then our 明坛 members ah keong, yun qing, yaba, their 2 sons, sometimes lampei...lao go ye, would gather.

We would quickly put the dishes in place. Then the rituals start. He lit the incense and we took turns to pay respects.

Then we go into the room. 

Orchard road

I slow jogged 7km. Started at 9.30am, lasted till 11am. Can I do this daily after my B.FIRE.

Had sardine puff for lunch.

Practised guqin and erhu 2pm plus.

Collected specs and bought 2 shorts - kena complained my shorts too lousy.

Changed into 1 before Orchard far east. I realised I dunno where to go. Dont want to buy anything already cos spent 168 + 50 today. Later eating sushi bar.

This will be a luxury come nex t year. YOLO. 

Goals

It has been 15 mths, still missed him.

I have achieved my financial goal that I set for myself.

What do I want to do when I resign next year June?

I thought of going into healthcare...am not sure at 41, would I be able to handle the physical aspects.

Ideal life is to be free, free to do whatever I want. But sadly I dont know what I want anymore.

Spend time with mum, sisters - go marketing, chitchat. I dont have the energy to do this on daily basis.

Go temple - i like the smell of incense maybe I can walk to 阿公庙to pray. 

Explore Bedok area by bus and foot.

Go exercise daily.

Learn a new thing everyday

Back from HK trip

Came back from HK trip with my colleagues, luckily did not have arguments during the trip.

It was enjoyable because I visited new places.

This sparked my thoughts - should I take a solo trip to HK next year at Cheung Chau Island to stay for 4 or 5 days.

I believed it is doable. If not, I can book a place at Mong Kok.

See how - if mum is keen, I can bring her to Cheung Chau.

Insomia

Yesterday had a bout of insomia. Slept at 11pm, woke up 1am plus.

Tossed and turned. Only went back to sleep 3am - after turning aircon to lower temp and listening to water waves.

Mind was thinking about work... stressed. When can it end?

What can I learn from this? Why am I still here...

What will I do when I am semi retired come next year?

I told my boss about my plan to tender in Jun-24. She asked me to consider taking no-pay leave for 6 months (then decide after that), or part-time (may have some chance).

Jotting down my thoughts - I didn't want to take a 6-mth no pay leave because firstly it means the team is short of 1 person. Secondly, I am not sure if I would even come back after 6-mths. My battery is dead - have a bad fatigue on Friday and took a morning leave. 

My fatigue - can't sleep even though I used aircon. The last few nights were bad. Kept relying on coffee to perk me awake. But it reached a point where no amount of coffee could do the job.

Decided to try jogging - had been going to jog 2x a week. Chanced across slow jogging - will try to see if this is easier for me.

Going to HK with colleagues this coming weekend. Hopefully can rest. 

Was writing and totally missed my point. 

I will go

1) volunteer (start small)

2) continue with my erhu and guqin lessons

3) jog and go fighting with J (2-3x a week)

4) aim to cook at least a few times a week (not a fan of cooking)

5) take bus ride (I enjoy taking long bus rides so I can daydream)

6) continue to learn jap

7) after 6 months - do part-time jobs

8) spend more time with mum, G, Y

9) spend time with friends

10) walk my dogs (once a day) - 1hr

11) sleep

HLF

After decluttering my hubby's stuff, found around 14k cash. Banked and had used the monies to buy Hong Leong Finance.

Why HLF - because i feel that in the high interest env, HLF should remain ok and able to give higher dividend. I will use the 6k hlf dividend to fund the annual donation to charity in his name.

Guqin

I started learning guqin in Jan 23 after my surgery.

Been 10 months. 

Spent 4.2k on guqin, 1.5 + 2.1k on lessons. 

Question is can I continue this when I have no job. Probably can if i go work a temp job. 

Tmr will be the day I tell my supervisor about my wanting to leave. 

2024 marks the 14th year in my company. I remembered the reason I went for this company back in 2010. It was to enable me to buy a house.

I had bought the house, in fact 2 house. But alas he is no longer here.

Past few days were bad. I no longer know what I want to do, eat or watch. With him, at least I will bear with any shlt and grit my teeth through it. Without him, there was no point to bear any longer. This is the main reason for my leaving.... it is to rest, recharge and refresh to a new journey.

I want to try my hands in volunteer work and care for elderly. I dunno whether I could tahan the mess and shlt, but at least it is meaningful work. I can make a difference.

Authentication

Paid 2.8k to be told it is worthless.

Haha, but still since ys treasured it, i shall bring it to the grave with me, as a memento, it is priceless. Ah q jing sheng.

Knowing it is worthless, i have 1 less burden. At least i dont have to realise its value.

LG

I spent last sat cleaning up LG's stuff. He had a lot of old sg notes. I sold Y some because I know she collect old notes.

Rest will try to sell it, else will bank it in. 

Part of it, will use to fund the authentication of his agarwood. Hope it is worth the 2.8k tag.

KC

Buying KC was a game changer. Without it, I would not have dared to think of barista fire. 

All my counters are in the red, except KC.

Going for a disney concert with colleagues

Today is a damn hot sunday. Yesterday and today are hazy too. 

Shaved lily, bathed dogs, swept floor and mopped floor. Had lunch at my cosy coffeeshop opposite my block.

Had mindlessly watched youtube videos and at a point where I dont know what to search for.

Did some decluttering of my hubby's stuff. Those that can be given away, will donate it. Found a little bit of mula, so will donate in his name next death anniversary.

I dreamt of him last night, he was lecturing his ypungest daughter whom was crying. Then next, he intro me to a bald guy that seemed like an artist. He was drawing flowers that looked very real. Happy that he still come visit me in my dreams. Grateful.

I am now on my way to city hall. Go blow some aircon and la some kopi. 

Next feb, I will be jobless. Both looking forward and scared that I will regret my choice but i need some time to recharge.

What will I do after I quit?

If I quit by end feb 24, I would rest and continue to exercise to lose some weight before japan trip (last week of March).

How would I occupy myself?

1) Train to run a 10km marathon

2) Erhu (go for grade 6)

3) guqin

4) Swim

5) Python programming

Find a temp or partime job to work 3 days a week.

Barista FIRE

Just got back from a 4d3n genting trip with family. Immediately worked the following day. Work was so hectic that I once again reaffirmed my decisions to tender either jan24 or apr24. 

Can i continue to do this job - the astounding answer is no. Once i put down all my pressures, nothing matters at work. I just want to give some headsup to my supervisor and close colleagues and will make my quiet exit.

After that, intended to rest 6 mths to 1 year. Then will look for a partime job that is lower stress, barista fire.

My dividend income can help pay 70% of my expenses. Only need a partime job that would pay 1000.

Aug month was hard

The month of Aug was difficult, the scenes of that faithful night continued to haunt me. I blamed myself for his death. I could have prevented that. 

Then i would sunk into depression - wanting to die. 

A few nights, I had a dream that I was gunned down. And instead of fear, I remembered very vividly that I heaved a sigh of relief 'finally'. Then pitch darkness. A few moments later, i reappeared in another scene.

It was very telling.... that my ultimate goal was to die in peace. If this was the case, what is holding me from quitting my job. 

My financial freedom journey

 I decided to write down my thoughts on the journey.

When did it started?

I first invested on my own (not borrowing other's accounts) in 2008. This was after I changed job from an insurance agent (sucked really bad at sales) to a bank call centre, then to a local sme company that published investment articles. I still remembered the scene that occurred. I had saved up 40k plus then and was thinking how to start. My elder system Y told me about POEMS and showed me how to do it. Then i saw a POEMs booth at the bus interchange. I grabbed and opened an account right away. 

Before this, any investments were brought through my father, he had a few brokers in SG and MY.

What I did

I immediately went to look for stocks to buy. It was a scary period because the financial crisis was being played out and I wasn't very confident which companies would survive it. Nevertheless I bought some. My goal then was to invest 10k cash into stocks every year and my pay then was 2.4k. Take home pay was 1.9k and half of it were to go to investment. 

If I didn't remember correctly, because I met YS and I started help him pay his car and his office rent, I didn't really meet my goal. His business was not good. His car was 400+, his office rent 1,200. I didn't have any savings and therefore used my savings to invest. His rent later was lowered to 800.

I remembered that my days were mostly spent on him picking me up after work, or I making my way to his office. We spent our time mainly eating dinner then he would fetch me home. Weekends were also like that. 

His office was at Serangoon, then few years later shifted to golden mile tower.

Changed job

Seeing that I was not making much to invest, I decided to change job to my current job (13 years into this job). One of the reasons was that I wanted to buy a house for both of us to live in eventually. With this job, the increment and bonus per year was better than my previous job.

With whatever little I could save, I continued to invest.

2013 was another year where we moved together in a rented flat in Teban. YS closed his business then and I used the rent (from the office) to then pay the flat (1500).

Life was less hectic once we lived together. Days spent watching TV, going out for meals and occasion shopping. Even though the rent was high, but was very grateful as I had wonderful memories of our time there. Hard to say but the feeling was life was very easy, happy-go-lucky, place was convenient. I am not sure why was it because work was easy then and not so stressful?

FIRE

After I came across FIRE, I wish to aim for this. This became a goal but I realised it was not very hard for me to achieve it because I was the sole breadwinner. YS had retired.

All the monies for the house, car, expenses all came from me. After calculating, I needed 1mil to FIRE. It was not achievable. There were times I felt very down because I just couldn't get to this figure even if I worked my entire life. 

Then came the barista FIRE, it gave me some hope that I could reach this as I am also not someone who can stay at home and do nothing. Then I recomputed the figures and realized I could reach Barista FIRE.

I worked towards this goal by aiming to plow 30-50k per year into investments. I reached my Barista FIRE figure in Aug-23. My dividends would be able to pay for 70% of my monthly expenses (not including YS med bill).

It took me 2023-2008=15 years to reach my financial goals. Sadly he is no longer around to enjoy the fruits of my labour. My greatest regret is that he can't see all this that I had silently worked for. I had wanted to give him a surprise by announcing that I can quit and spend my time with him cos I was too stressed up by work last year. Work had affected our relationship. 

人算不如天算

If I could turn back time, I would choose to quit my job and enjoy my time with him. 

I decided to quit soon

Just now I nearly fell down when tending to my dogs pee pad. Age caught up and down with covid (2nd time). 

I realised my mortality - everyone will die. 

I wanted a break after his death last year because I do not know how to move on. I have used work to keep me busy but work also presented me with many issues that gave me anxiety and depressive thoughts and sleepless nights.

I told 2 colleagues that I would be leaving but they asked me to reconsider. 

Work no longer bring me joy and fulfillment. No energy to enjoy life and smell flowers. My life continued to be centered on worries on work.

I feel sick thinking about work and is this how it will be till the flame of my life flickers out. 

Last year Ys was not happy that I got worked out over my job. Till this day, my work continued to stress me.

I needed to talk to my sup soon so we could arrange things. Maybe in sep, I will bring up this...

I may regret this decision but who knows.

Reach my goal

I finally reached my financial goal. Is it time to leave my job and find a less stressful one where I can have energies to pursue what I want.

Sold

Today was national day. Initial plans was to drive to fetch mum to temple and then go visit G in hospital.

Morning started as usual, watching youtubes and then I began watching the videos on 2nd hand car... this once again ignited my desire to sell my car.

I got this coe camry car last year around june because he wanted a car. He was feeling better and was not able to go anywhere. We bought the coe car at ubi. 

He passed on in August. For the past one year, I tried to drive the car. Went for at least 15 car refresher lessons. 

Started to drive the car. Only went onto highways in Nov. Every week, I forced myself to drive at least once. 

Today, I decided to ask how much the buyer could offer. I asked 50k (this was the valuation of my car in nov) and buyer offered 48k. They came early to look at my car, and deal was sealed 47.5k. My car had 5 more years of coe. I were ok. Finally when tmr comes, I can relieve myself of the pains and fears of driving. Car was too big and I could hardly handle it. 

I felt sorry that I could not keep the promise to zhu shi, that I would not sell the car. But I tried my best for past 1 year, and I could not overcome my fears.

Donated 1k to qing long ye medical fund in his name. Something I promised to do a yearly affair.

Him

Today YQ came visit me. She was sick recently and just recovering. She was like his sister.

We were talking about her recent genting trip. She recommended to eat the mei ren guo and xiang gu yuan. 

Talking about it reminded us of him. She sais she missed them badly LG and master 2 weeks. I couldn't control my tears.

Was feeling bouts of sadness throughout after she left with her hubby.

Giant got a free carpark - maybe I could go there someday.

Today stomach wasn't too good either - shit and LS at least 4 times. Decided to stay at home - had wanted to run. 

Lazed at home abit and slept at 7pm. Woke up 10pm. Channel surfing 1hr plus so could not find something to watch. Decided to do a quick blog.

On Friday, did a rough calculation - I am 40k from my goal. Would be able to reach by end next year but I planned to leave in Apr 24.

By Mar-24, I should be able to settle his med debt of 15k. Expenses would go down to 2.8k. 1k belongs to car. 

1 Jul 2023

Today I drove our car to Teban Gardens hawker centre. This is my 2nd time driving to this place.

Teban garden holds a special place, it was 2013 when we rented a unit at Blk 23 for 3 years plus. We nicknamed the agent as hu chou cos she has BO.

Anyway the stay there was nice. LG can tabao his own food cos food is available just downstairs.

Life was simple. Rent was 1500, we bought a cheap wira car. House was bright and airy. We adopted xiaobai in 2014. Looking back, my sat was spent on bathing xiaobai, then i would walk to teban gardens hawker to tabao the 经济米粉 with ah char. Did this for 3 years. 

In 2020, we looked around teban and pandan gardens. 403, 405, 57, 25 - we nearly bought 405. Actually very 可惜, we quite like 405 and the unit was a top floor. 

Would he have lived if we bought 405? He wasnt very keen and he was haggling over price with agent. Next day it was sold. Anyway what is past, is past. Writing this down while I still can remember it.

Can I really quit my job?

Though I have 14k passive income, it cannot pay for my 4k expenses.

In 13 mths, I will be able to settle YS medical debt. After that, my monthly will drop to 2.8k. 1k attributable to the car. The car should then be left 3 years.

In a nutshell, it means I need work 4 more years. Can I endure 4 years? By then, I would be able to pay off my housing loan using my cpf oa.

My car is a coe car that my late husband left me. This needs maintainence 100 per mth. Insurance 1.5k a year, tax 1.8k. If I want to keep it, I have to work.

I have 2 elderly dogs, they may need more doc or med later. Heaven knows.

I always thought I could FIRE by age 45. Unless i sell my car, i cannot reach that. Managed to barely hold on to it for 10 mths. Maybe i see in a year more.

What you promised

I promised

1) not to remarry even after he passed on

2) keep praying to his deities until I cant

I realised I cry alot when at home. When outside, I try to control but not at home. It is going to be 10 mths after his passing.

We have our ups and downs, who doesnt. Bad and good memories. I blamed myself for behaving the way I did that morning. I regretted that, it is one of my life regrets. You had 13 years but I didnt cherish it.

Missing him, his jokes, him making nicknames for everyone. 

Finding strength to live and move on each day.

FD

Finally I decided to put my excess funds in FD. Initially wanted to do it with UOB, but u can only do it during working hours. So I transferred my money to POSB, and did FD of 19,999. Anything more will only have 0.05% so not worth to put more. 

Still have some excess, will hold on to it

Drove

After 9 months of his passing, I finally drove the car to mandai crematorium. It was something I wish to be able to do so because, it is hard to get a cab from mandai. 

I paid my respects and cried quite abit. 

I have drove to

1) teban

2) west coast

3) clementi

4) bukit panjang

5) teck whye

6) mandai

7) vicom

Will try 

1) kebun baru

2) aljunied

3) tampines

4) east coast park

5) boon lay

Dreamt of cpr

Dreamt a vivid dream. He was alive again. This time I was armed with cpr skills. But I failed still to resuscitate him when the attack came. Maybe he wanted to say that it is not my fault. He is destined to go.

5D4N cruise

2018, I went on my first cruise with LG. It was the first time for both of us and we bought a 14D with a flight back package.

Well, thinking it could be our last since we heard friends saying that they dont have anything to do on the cruise.

The cruise went to 5 ports, 2 in Vietnam, HK, S. Korea and finally Tianjin. We bought some shore excursions. Anyway I only remembered LG making new smoke friends and eating buffet, and sleeping. He gained 5kg. For me, i went to watch all the shows, a course, some ribbon, towel classes, gym. 

This time, me and my sisters brought my mum on a short one cos mum not interested in long trips. Most of our time was spent on eating, resting and for me, gping to play games, gym or classes. Ate more this round, and despite seeing my double chins. Anyway exercise can wait haha. 

Eliptical

Time to go back to exercise. Since late Nov 2022, I stopped going to my gym to prepare for my surgery which was later postponed to Jan 23. After my surgery, not supposed to go for intensive exercise for 3 mth till end May 23. 

Recently my health screening results came back. Though my red blood is back to normal, total body fats, total chorestrol shot up. This spurred me to buy an eliptical that came last Sunday.

15 mins is about 100 calories, 45 mins will be 300 calories, more than my 30 mins of running. Will try to do it once every 2 days, started 15 mins yesterday.

SCI

I sold my stake in SCI 12 lots today at 4.10. Total profit is 23k after counting in the 10k that I have earned for SCM.

Reason for selling, hit my target price 4, and I thought of putting them into Singtel to earn dividends.

I believe Singtel would be able to withstand any recession that is to come.

Bonus

Going to get my bonus this week. I feel nothing. Maybe because I have had good bonuses all these years except my 1st year.

It is a good 3 months pay. I felt.happy for a split second, then my happiness came back to nothing. 

He is gone now, so what if I had money. My SCM shares were worth close to 50k, it is like a windfall. I was looking towards it but when i finally have it, I felt empty.

Nothing makes me feel fulfilled...work only make time pass faster. For past 1 week, I had been crying as flashes of his last moments came back. They haunt me and I am full of regrets. Nothing can turn back time. I can only look forward 1 day at a time. 

Maybe I will donk another 1 year before I leave. 

6 months

Still feeling sad after 6 months.

He won't be able to rest in peace as long as I am still in this sorrowful state.

I still rem how I spent last bday last year. I went to buy myself 2 pcs of cake from starbucks and dabao home.

I had my fair share of unhappy moments year 2020, I wanted to eat with him at a atas chinese restaurant. He went to jio my sis and mum. Then we drove there... but there was no carpark space. In the end, he dropped us off and went off.

Haiz I felt very sad then becos everytime I wanted something, the results were diasterous. I felt sad and lonely because other couples celebrate their birthdays but not us. That was why i decided to just go buy 2 cakes i want to eat on 2022. So this shall be the way forward. If I want something, I do it alone. Gave up asking him out to try new things.

I guess, this is life. Many things have happened, to led me to the conclusion tt I cant be happy with anything.

When I got promoted last year, he got hospitalised. I couldnt even give him a treat. Then when he was getting better tt we were thinking of doing da ri zi, then he passed away in Aug. How else could I think...

Keppel corp

KC record date is 24 feb, so owners of KC after this date get 19.1 scm shares. A 1cent movement in scm price may mean diff of few grands.

What if life purpose is to realise you dont need a purpose

Ran out of youtube videos to watch nowadays. So i would watch motivational videos.

I lost my goals in life after he passed on, because nothing really matters at the end of the day.

If you believe this life is to pave your way to heaven, then you would have a general purpose to do good.  

In my heart I hoped he had gone to heaven after helping people all his life.

For myself, this would be the end. I am just breathing. While I am still here, I just make the best.

Yesterday went go karting with colleagues. Ate crispy prata at simpang bedok. I enjoyed myself but I came to the realisation that the pain is still there.

Nonetheless nothing can take away the pain. Except to bring them as you moved on.

Forcing myself to have goals for 2023

It has been quite meaningless. I lost interest in everything.

Recently I felt my interest creeping back. 

I signed up for a guqin lesson. Started playing erhu.

My investment goal - if SCI rose to 4 bucks, will sell all and buy 20k Singtel. Why Singtel - low price at 2.50. Potential to double to 5. Dividends high.

I just bought 10k of singtel #2.52. Checked that my dividend income for 2022 is 14,280.

Parking between 2 cars

I started taking refresher driving lesson soon after YS' funeral was completed.

Today I were able to park my car between 2 cars. A feat that I thought I could never do. A small victory.

Today went xian dan gong with mum and G. Will request for the next lesson to learn parallel parking soon.

Buying things to distract myself

After he passed on, my life no longer have any meaning. I felt that there is no point to FIRE, something I always have as a goal since starting work 15 years ago.

Everyday, I was in zombie mode - nothing could interest me. I took up jogging to expend my energies so that I would feel tired and can fall asleep. Most days were spent in tears.

Recently for past 2 months,didnt go run as month of dec was mostly sick. Then went for surgery - can only walk.

Some of the things that I bought

- sofa to replace my old one (270)

- threw away a single seat sofa, his one standing cabinet, the king bed - so as to make way for my bed. My sis came to live with me. (200)

- bedframe and mattress (400)

- fridge - old one died suddenly (899)

- xiaomi vaccum and mop set (479)

- one lao hua yan specs for working only (300)

- signed up for guqin (1500 + 850 rent)

I have nothing to focus on but i hope with guqin, it will change. But a guqin will cost me 4k.

Post surgery

After my surgery on 5 Jan, stayed in hospital for 4 days. Got discharged on 8 Jan. Sis came to fetch me.

It is going to be 2 weeks since I am home. A few things happened - aignes up for guqin lessons, drove mum to 青龙爷庙 to 还愿。Donated 1k to the temple building fund. This was what I promised to do should my surgery proceeded. No major issue with it.

Going to be CNY this sunday. I would try to remember what we did for CNY 22 (our first and last cny at bedok flat). Remembered YS asked sis to cook korean stuff and some fried platters for his daughters. Think he himself ate his own cooking - maybe leftovers from the previous night. Then we 4 watched karate kid together.

He is free now. Look on the bright side. He watches us from heaven.

Surgery pt 2

 This Thurs is my surgery, hope I can do it. I just want to get it done and over with as it was rescheduled from 6 Dec due to me having a flu then.

After my surgery, then I can make plans on how to live my life forward - do i quit my job. What volunteer work will I do. What erhu lesson to take etc.

I have no new year resolution. Taking a day at a time. Without LG, I do not know why I am working for. For the past 13 years, my goal is to alway retire FIRE so that I can choose not to work. 

There were plans to travel to HK, Msia etc but sadly he is no longer around.

When alone at home, having plenty of time to burn, I feel very sad because I do not know how to chart my life ahead. What do I want to do - I want to do nothing because nothing matters.

I can only hope to dream of him every night. Maybe when I recover, I go more often to 95 - make it weekly. Spend more time with mum, geoky and yenn - we only have today.

Yesterday went 95 to have a karaoke session with Geoky. Mum made pasta and I have pasta for both lunch and dinner.