A flicker of xiaobai

This morning, when I woke up at 6am plus. When I switched on my kitchen light, in that nanosecond, I saw xiaobai near my left feet. Lily was on my right. Is it my imagination? Is she with hubby in heaven?

1 Jan 2026 networth

Start of the year, I only wish for health for myself and family. Rest is not critical.

I calculated my net worth, 930k this year. If add in my stock market gain, my net worth is 1130k, I am a millionaire but so what, I continue to live simply, occasionally indulging in some trips, some concerts, some toys.

As I looked back in the year 2025, I could still remember some stuff that happened. I fell sick and lost a tooth in Feb.

I attended 2 concerts, went to Penang twice, genting once.

I reminisce about the time I spent new year eve with YS, life is 无常。 I need to cherish now.

Some major milestone this year, would be March when I will initiate to pay off my hdb bank loan. The house is truly ours.

After my contract is up in August, I will go look for a Uniqlo part time job.

End of 2025

In a few days, 2025 will come to an end. LG, I will continue to miss you but I will move forward.

Past few weeks were hectic due to erhu rehearsals. The next few weeks would also be busy as I have doc appt, vet appt. 

Tmr gg for dim sum buffet with family. Sun gg to walk with wj, sm. Wed gg to walk with wj and group.

Tmr is erhu performance

Been burning my weekends for erhu rehearsals. Tmr is finally the performance. Can finally rest over weekends liao. Performance at sota.

Ended AvSO

I still remembered April going to Bukit Timah area for the training. What happened on the examination day etc.

Fast forward today, I tendered my resignation.

Why? I remembered I was quite excited to work at this job. But months into the job, I started to feel the dread. It worsened each time I went to work. 

The dread of complaints, scolding from customers or even team leader etc made me fear going to work. I even tio IBS once when I worked. I thought I wont make it that day but I managed somehow.

The dread would start days before my shift. It didn't lessen.

This job made me realised how strenuous these jobs are. I developed a new kind of admiration for the workers and I truly pei Fu those seniors doing this job. But I cant handle it.

I last worked in sept for 1 day. I couldnt bring myself to work anymore.

Finally this came to a stop.

I will focus on my current stat board job and occasional concert job. Being fatigued for quite a while.

After next year, I would try Uniqlo. Maybe need to put on makeup.

Beer Sake fest

This post was published late.

On 8 Nov,nme and Y went to a standing sake free flow event, which cost 52.

We met at bedok interchange and it was a very hot day. We waited near 6pm and we got our wristband, a tasting glass and off we began.

We started eating first because it would be easy to get drunk in empty stomach. I was interested in drinking yuzu saki only. So started on that, went around drinking mostly yuzu flavour. I think I have close to 20 taste of sake including 1 beer. I started to get light headed and a whozzy feeling in my head. So I stopped. 

Y was mostly eating. I was pretty full. She had more.

There was some saki that tasted nice but in the end, I realized I like some sweetness and alcohol taste so I decided to buy a yuzu flavor and a ume flavor. Nice to drink on a cold night. Maybe Y was influenced by me, she decided to buy 2 cheaper yuzu sake for mum and G to try too. Spent 100 bucks but felt happy doing it.

Probably this is what people meant by going for experience instead of keep buying stuff. Something that I looked forward to. Later gg to T3 to meet a vietnam co worker. 

答谢

Today we have our 3rd da xie at my place. Together with Yun Qing and my family, this was the third year since my hubby death.

Today I did not cry, I did the previous rounds but this year I was feeling neutral. Shed tears previously when I remembered the scenes of our da ri zi, LG would pray and we standby in his office. The deities would 上他的身。

Maybe I felt that he never left us. He would be looking over us from heavens. Yun Qing got a grandson, happy for her. Reminded of our family which would 断在这一带。

Hope we all remain healthy and can continue this tradition. Hope we didn't make too many mistakes.

FIRE

My dividends received this year was 24k or so. Equated to 2K a month. My expenses usually hover close to 3k.

My temp job back at my stat board, pays me 2k (take home) so all in all, I have 1k savings.

My temp job will likely end next year Aug when things are more stable. So my plan after that was to try get a part time job at uniqlo. I am wearing mostly uniqlo clothings.

G in hospital

I visited G at NUH after work. Bought her a piping hot waffle. Will go with mum on wed after swimming.

Yesterday I nearly broke down when sharing my dark days after my hubby passed away. I still reeling from grief, but I must move on. 

Best bag

This year, I bought many bags and some have been given away.

I bought carlo rino bag and a braun buffel crossbody for my birthday. I bought a peirre cardini men bag during genting trip, and earlier a uniqlo small tote bag.

Guess what? I ended up using my uniqlo bag most of the time. It is very fuss free, and though small, it can hold more stuff. 

Now it is my main bag,my peirre cardini is my work bag and if i need act atas, i will use my braun buffel bag.

Very happy my friend J recommended the tote bag to me, it is really good.

Now i dun feel like biying anything because I already got my best bag.

Jewel family treat

Yesterday Y was free. We all decide we were going jewel to eat Godiva Labubu ice cream (2nd version). Just an excuse to get my mum out of the house.

We grabbed to T3, had a nice chinese meal at 太子 and then the bill came up to 98. I wanted to gift a disney cruise luggage to a certis friend. Y also got 5 free carnival tokens

G got me an ehor yay. Then I bought a luggage. Will gift to my friend on coming wed. 

Next we went jewel to eat the godiva ice cream. Mum and G wanna drink luckin coffee so me and Y made our way to Godiva. woah the q was long. The ice cream costs 14.50.

We each bought one and made a short video on it. Then we made our way to luckin. Then I went with G to walk around. We went to see all the toy shops, didnt buy anything. Then Y went to walk alone after we came back luckin. She ended up with a Lulu pig burger blindbox. 

We lazed around then made our way to mamamia to have early dinner. Then the bill was above 60, G wanted a dale cushion so she bought it. Then we made our way home.

I was feeling the coffee withdrawal symptoms so din have much energy. Quickly made myself a hot kopi when home

Capitaland Invest

Today I bought 20k more shares at 2.65/share. 

Going to buy another 20k shares when price dropped. Look like the US markets are quite jittery.

With 40k, i would have reinvested Papa monies into Capitaland. Did not want to keep too much cash inside bank accounts due to the rising scams. Luckily got the money lock to put my mind at ease.

On hand have 270k, so if i minus 107k, i would still have 163k, of which 30k is emergency funds. 133k for OCBC shares.

Bugis sides

Yesterday on a whim, decided to meet with G to go Bugis plus eat the Sides restaurant.

I went early because was feeling quite bored at home. I walked around, mainly browsing uniqlo for cheap buys. Came out empty handed. 

Then it was nearly dinner time and the restaurant was filling up quickly. I went and took a seat. Then ordered a nice salted caramel milkshake that cost 8 bucks.

Then when G came, we had tenders and wedge fries and onion ring. Whoa the tenders are very juicy and tender, was very surprised.

After a heavy meal, G wanted to walk around. There was a mofusa popup and we browsed around. The prices were eye droppingly expensive. A small doll costs 60, a cup 70. 买不下。

We saw a neoprint machine so we decided to take 1, cost us 8 bucks but it was something we last did decades ago. Had some fun. The filter made us look so nice haha but unrecognisable.

Next, we went to kimoj, saw some jewellery. G wanted a earring, while i was looking around for thick bracelet and necklace. I found what I like, then G got herself another earring. Buy 3 get 1 free. So the last time bought jewellery was at genting 2 years ago, my 鹤笑九天 set. I like my new bracelet, going to wear them until am sick of them haha.

Sold more Singtel

I sold almost half of my Singtel stake.

Reason being it hit the price I set.

20k at 4.35

10k at 4.70

With the marketsnso volatile and uncertain, uncertain when the global recession would start crashing the stock markets. There is a weird phenomenon where the economies are not doing well but the stock market is all time high. This smells like FOMO, greed and euphoria.

When people get greedy, we need be fearful. So when people are buying stocks, I started selling my stocks.

I made almost 150k profits alone this year. Will continue to buy into capitaland invest.

Holding onto 250k warchest. Aiming for OCBC shares but the price still too high.

Some stocks to consider when the price is right.

OCBC

Keppel (if drop to 5)

Har paw if drop to 7,8

UOL if drop to 5

Singtel if drop to 2 plus

I am feeling very gloomy, is it because I am playing lies of P. I shall stop playing today.

Feel like in a shopping mood but dunno what to buy. Din wan to buy stuff that I would not use and give away. 

Recently bought some clothes but end up giving them away. Bought a new bag but not nice to use. Bought a clothes rack, intensed to use it for drying my towels and bedsheets or blanket.

Though I am flushed with cash, I dunno how to be happy. I feel like doing nothing but doing nothing makes me ruminate and become more gloomy.

I could not eat as much as I like. I have nobody to share my joys.

Night before I dreamt of YS, he was in a room and I asked him if he will be back. He said no. Last night had a nightmare, dreamt he was stabbed/burnt and he was dying in front of my eyes and the paramedics could not help him. I was so sad and i woke up, it was just a dream. He died of a heart attack, remember this.

Will I see him when my time is up. Yea!!

FIRE to what?

I always wanted to FIRE so I can rest and spend time with my hubby. But before I achieved it, he passed away.

Two years after his death, I achieved what I always wanted but it was bittersweet. 

I quit my cushy job and tang ping 3 months before I got too restless again. Yes, I have time but nobody to do the things with. I did some on my own but not alot.

I read blogs of people accumulating 1mil then 2mil then aiming 3mil. To what ends, if it comes at not much more effort, I would applaud that but if it comes from putting off more years of enjoyment then I wouldnt do that. Cos life is short, alot of things are out of our control. 

As I reflect on myself, what I have now, a part time job, almost paid off hdb, healthy body, and a 580k portfoilio that gives me some dividends, I am grateful. There is nothing more to aim for. Though I still hanker for some home appliances that could better my life or some clothings/bags (nothing designer), I dont have something. Maybe this is what 平常心 means, when there is no wants or needs.

Mammogram Year 2

I just got a clean bill from my mammagram. This was my 2nd one.

Last year CGH detected anomalies and I did like 2 mammogram, 2 rounds of ultrasound. Then even went for the biosy, luckily I claimed from Pru.

Now still got kidney, anemia and possibly womb. Dont fell well sometimes down there. 

Hope all is well.

Fears about my job

In my previous stat board job, I was very anxious everyday. Anxious about having to speak up in meetings or presentations - fear of judgement. 

This was something I was never able to overcome despite 14 years being there.

I also do not want to interact with customers, something I hate.

Then when I took on the airport job, my anxiety came from being reprimanded from customers or own team. It was so bad I got IBS one day. I realised something is wrong.

Now with Xiaobai gone, I decided not to take up more event jobs also, it is also giving me anxiety but not as bad.

I wish to be fearless but i guess it is my innate nature to avoid conflict.

For now, I will just focus on my temp job. Try not to overthink and go with the flow.

Bought Capitaland Invest

Decided to buy some capitaland invest. The stock price was beaten down to 2.60ish from 4ish.

In the past I did buy capitaland, but sold it at 3.50ish? 

Seeing the beaten down price, decided to divest some into this stock.

Still have 110k, waiting for ocbc shares to tank.

Xiaobai antics

As I sit at home remembering her.

I decided to jot down some of her behaviors that could seriously break you sometimes. And some lovely ones I missed.

Loves

- when I look out of my window in living room, she would want me to carry her to look too with me

- when i play erhu, she would stay at the barricade near my door

- she watches me wash the toilet she dirtied every morning

- she rushed to the kitchen when I step into the house after work every time thinking it is meal time

- she licked me all over when in my lap

- she will chase insects except cockroaches and eat them

Unloves

- she loves eating shit even if it is LS because of this, i dont really let her lick me (developed ocd....because of her in a way)

- she made a mess of the toilet everyday and I pity Lily who always have to endure the dirtiness (she started eating Lily shit...)

- the mattress they slept in, get dirtied the first half day so bad sometimes I got to take it away

- sometimes she puke out the shit cos is too much and she like to do it on her bed....

- sometimes she drinks so much water, she puke out her breakfast

- she dont love toys or clothes

Not sure how long I have, but documenting these so I never forgets her. Food and shit are her loves.

I felt guilty for what I did not do for her but I need to focus on Lily whom I neglected for a few months.

She is having some sneezes and skin problems. I neglected her for a lomg while and I do not want to have the same regrets with xb.

Ys is not alone now, they are up there in heavens. We will be reunited one day.

Crows

Crows came to my kitchen window. Is it a bad omen? 

I got two concerns - breast cancer or stomach cancer?

I have 3 very bad episodes of indigestion in the past 2 months since I started worked. Am not sure if it is because of my office chair. It made me press on my stomach which is uncomfortable.

Wish me luck. Not sure if I could survive longer than Lily.

Xb doggy heaven

Am writing this post to remind me not to ever get another pet. I do not deserve another pet. Plus my own health is a concern.

Xiaobai passed on this morning between 4 to 7am, 16 Oct. I knew cos I last checked on her 3am plus and by 7am, she was gone. Uncontrollable tears and guilt but i witnessed her suffering all these while so last night I prayed YS come and bring her to heavens. They are free now. 

Xiaobai always have issues with her skin, and it had been so for many years. She was always licking or biting her skin such that when she died, she was virtually hairless.

I last brought xiaobai to a vet in 2021 after HIP. She had bad diarrhea when she was staying at Sandy place. The vet was in woodlands, after YS passed on, I had not brought her to see a vet. 

I only let the vet see Lily... partly because I could see Xiaobai was not in a good condition. I let her deterioriates.

In July, Xiaobai had unexplained LS episodes. Something similar to YS before he passed. I saw it as a sign. Her LS lasted until I sent her to dog nanny during Genting trip. She did not LS at all. I actually thought she could not make it because she was very thin then.

In the last 3 weeks, her LS stopped. But she lost strength in her hind legs. I thought she should be ok because loss of mobility does not equate to death. She was still eating and drinking but she lost more weight. 

On her last day, she had breakfast and by night, she could not eat anymore. I thought a miracle would happen, she would slowly regain her strength but I was wrong. She was struggling to breathe and I knew she would be gone. I prayed she followed YS when he comes. I prayed for YS to come fetch her. He did.

Next morning, when I woke up, I saw her poop and urine and she had stopped breathing. Gave her a bath as promised and I used the baby powder to cover up all her sores. She was clean and smelled fragrantly. Wrapped her in a new blue blanket and called for Mandai pet crematory. Paul came 11am. Mum and Yenn came to pray for xiaobai. I did not ask for her ashes as I felt i do not want to leave one more matter to 善后 when I die.

I played 大悲咒 for her last night and this morning.

Now only Lily is left. I hope I last longer than her. Must treasure the living and each day. Not sure how long I have or Lily have.

Sold Keppel

Sold 10k shares of keppel at 9.27. Cost price 5.067. Made 42k profits.

Has held keppel shares for 10 years as the monies were from Dad's cpf monies. 

Left 12k shares

Xb

Haiz everytime after bathing xiaobai, her condition degenerates badly. She could not stand up the whole day.

Went for erhu rehearsal, when I came back, she was soaked in her urine. Not sure if she pooped or ate her poop. 

Things do not look good. I put her in diapers for the night. I hope LG come and take her home to heavens. She is suffering.

I am the worst dog owner ever, I let her degenerate till this stage. This is on me forever.

Do not ever forget this and never get another pet EVER. U r the worst owner on this planet. Xiaobao is dying because of you.

Something wrong - fatigue

Hmm ever since Genting trip, I femt fatigued even after sleeping 7 or 8 hours.

Need to start taking my iron pills again as I am anemic once more.

Fatigue

Ever since I came back from Genting, I feel v tired even after sleeping many hours.

Hmm, maybe the end is near.

Genting Family Trip 2025

Just came back from our annual genting family trip.

Some highlights:

- one room was free

- won 2.2k in slots, lost 1.5k though over 3 days

- ate durian 101 at Bro house

- watched demon slayer movie, we had the whole cinema to ourselves

- went to new casino to play

- zus coffee salt caramel was nice. Drank 2 - one was free from my bet with Y over the viral labubu ice cream video

- nice vegetarian lunch at Chin Swee temple

- Visited 大圣爷庙 on way back

- Bought a bag (as usual), wanted carlo rino bag but no stock. Ended up with a nice greyish bag

- ate two times HK porridge - something I do not eat but ate because was feeling cold and belly was quite bloated from all the feasting on day 1.

- Ate Le Nu noodles on day 3 for dinner

- Spent 500 bucks bought 3 uniqlo tops and 2 pants

Genting trip

Soon it would be our third family trip to Genting. Genting has a place in my heart. It was my first overseas trip with LG in 2009. I remembered playing big small on the table. 

We took the cable down. I only remembered was quite scared and walking with him to shop around Genting. Cherish the living and honour the memories.

We took the bus to and fro, and we waited very long to check in. 

Lg till we meet again

Luxury bags

I got 2 luxury bags - marc jacob tote 280 and braun buffel crossbody 480.

These are my most expensive bags. Am not going to buy more of such bags because they are enough.

Xiaobai

I look at xiaobai and she is so thin she looked like she could die any moment. A sense of guilt overwhelm me, why I let her become so...

if i bring her to the vet, they will surely tell me to euthanise her which I dont want. As long she can eat, poop, drink, pee, move, I let her be.

I keep have a feeling she dun have much time left, since June. It dawned on me she might not have much time left - she lost alot of weight and if i feed her more, she LS non stop.

Ppl would think I am starving her but I am not. Feeding her as usual. I hope she dun suffer. 

Just keep her comfortable if it truly is inevitable.

I remembered a few years ago, I cried when I thought xiaobai was dying. Now after my hubby has gone, I feel numbed. I would tear but I also feel very guilty.

LG hope u give me some dreams to advise me how to treat her. 

My first ETF

While watching a youtuber talk about the green dragon, I decided to explore ETFs since I am flushed with cash.

My pot is 40k, so I have decided to put them into Lion OCBC Hamg Seng Tech etf. It has not the lowest expense ratio but because it will be held under CDP, it keeps me at ease.

Even if it drops 50%, I have the holding power since these are excess cash. 

After that, I might start to buy more BOC listed in HK. Have bought 2000 shares earlier, will buy more if it hits 4bucks or below.

Mandai 3rd anni

Today is my Lg 3rd lunar calendar death anni. I actually forgot his pai wei, something is wrong.l with me. 316, 120 remember this.

I think I might have dementia. Today was feeling out of sorts. Forgot to bring wet tissue, pricked my finger on chopstick, splashed coffee over myself, nearly bumped into G, leaf fell on head giving me a scare, and a big wasp that i killed in my master bedroom.

Hmm quite an adventure. Writing this down so I will be able to refresh my memory next year.

LG

Yesterday had a short dream plus many other dreams.

I dreamt LG came and hugged me for quite along time. Yep, i believed he came cos is around the lunar death anni which is tmr.

He didnt ask me for anything.

So i take it he has enough in the underworld. 

Then i dreamt my hp was melting....in a separate dream.

Liquid assets

I have 140k cash and 600++k in investment. Am I happier? Not really. Have my lifestyle changed? Nope still sticking to caifan for some meals.

Am I buying any big ticket items, nope.

FIRE for the high salary

When I read blogs or watch youtube channels of local youtubers who supposedly reached FIRE, or even reddit, most are high income earners.

For myself, I was earning a good income in my last few years > 100k annually. This enabled me to invest my savings and reach FI.

Did I really reach FI? My monthly dividend income of 2.2k is able to offset my essentials - insurance, transport, music lessons, utilities. I got to earn a side income to cover food and dental expenses.

Had tracked my expenses since Jul-24. On average, was spending 2800 a month.

I feel that when I read the blogs/youtube, they are very unrelatable to the common folks who are only earning enough to cover for expenses. How do u tell such people to further cut their essential expenses so as to save more and invest. 

For people who cant save, they would have to find some side hustle or even aim for promotion to get the extra money to invest. They then have to learn to invest with whatever little energy and time left. This is on top of having to pive a life, spending time on self care and family care...

Who could do that? So sometimes I wonder, FI is truly reachable for the upper middle to upper class income earners. Even overseas youtubers who reach FI was earning 300-400k a year. In my opinion, FI is only reachable for the top percentile earners.

Been in a shopping mood

Is it the stress or boredom? I found myself shopping for shoes, clothes and bags...bought 2 pairs of skecher shoes and bought 2 uniqloo tee shirts.

I realised the problem lies with me, no matter what job I take on, I feel stressed. I need to learn to let go and ask myself to f off. 

In the past, I thought it was my govt job that gave me insomnia and ulitmately burnout. Then in the past 1 year, I kind of feel stressed out in mu usher job, airport job. Except for the event one which I am abit heck care.

Now that I am back to my govt job, albeit a contract temp job, I am starting to feel the stress just 6 days into the role.

No matter which job I take, I can never shake off the stress because it is my thinking that makes it worse. Worrying or stressing wont change a damn thing. Am trying to let go. Tmr may never come. Remember that you may not be here tmr. Live your day as if it is your last with no regrets.

Why not Reits or unit trust or robo advisers?

Penning down some thoughts.

I have never bought any reits, unit trusts nor used robo advisors.

For reits, I do not like the right issues that happen whenever the companies need money. Leverage is too high.

Reason being the management fees or whatever fees the trust or advisors take annual regardless of profit or losses. To me, this does not make any senses, if they do a bad job they also charge the annual fees so there is no impetus for them to do a good job. Of course one can argue they will do to attract more funds but... most of them do not make money for the investors long term.

Also I myself want to know where my monies are invested so if there is any issues, I can exit on my own terms. I could sleep at night without having to worry.

Reaching FI

Looking back, I am living the dream - semi retirement. Does not have to worry about money matters. It is something people or the younger me would dream of. I am blessed, truly blessed.

My right leg has been aching since yesterday. Is it cancer?

Remember to 散一些财 while you can.

Work

There were a lot of things I took for granted in my old workplace.

Maybe we were spoilt. But after experiencing for myself the outside manual jobs, I come to appreciate my old workplace better.

My dept people and the office facilities, are something I am thankful for the 14 years in there. Outside, I am mainly on my own, sometimes I meet gui ren and will forever remember them.

Certis - Justina, Mat, VJ, Hai Yan

ESS - Yi mei, that engineer guy 

Never forget their 恩惠。

I mean they don't have to do anything for me, but they showed me the ropes. I am grateful and thankful.

In my old workplace, our people are not so calculative, at least on my level. There is fair completion, those who got promoted, are well deserved.

Now am back in a temp role, demoted by 2 ranks. I am thinking of trying AI that nsee if it could replace my role :) this is inevitable.

Old erhu and guqin

I am writing down so In could remember. 

I gave both my 1300 erhu and 4200 guqin to my erhu teacher. I believe they would be in better hands. I already have a new erhu and mum gave me her old guzheng. These two instruments are enough, I do not need more and nor do I need to take up a new instrument.

My first love erhu will forever be my go to.

Blogging now just to pass some time before I go out to work.

Ops sold my HLF

I wanted to sell my HLF if it hits 2.89 but the stock prices plummeted from 2.74 to 2.54 due to its lousy profits for q2. So thinking that the interest rates will be lowered by the fed soon, the banks profit could only deteriorate and will be worse for coming quarters. With this in mind, I sold all my HLF.

Accumulating a warchest now, hopefully can get to buy Ocbc when it goes to 12 dollars.

Going off for work soon. 4.5hours work. Will be fast. Jiayou.

Gotten into a very lazy mode since end jul. I didn't work for 17 days until my first day back at old workplace on 18th Aug. Ruminating and catastrophic over possible complaints are what is paralyzing me. 

Just go and work lah, you won't die even if you tio. I will come back home.

First week past

I just completed working for three days back at my old office. Familiar feeling and only one new colleague since I left.

No accesses yet, so luckily was able to play around with the chatbot. Read up on ojt materials as much as possible.

More ojt coming. I think I should be able to handle it because I do not really have to drive projects. There is no appraisal, so I dont need to feel constantly on my toes. 

Go fighting next week, brush up on your EQ. Feeling v conscious of my dark eye circles. Maybe I need buy a concealer if it affects me too much.

For now, just use my foundation first ba. Dont waste money. 

Tmr am going for second swimming lesson. Then afternoon, work as security guard. Is a short one 4.5hrs job. 

Sunday meeting my tcc kakis. I have resigned from my asm job. For certis, I will see how it goes. Maybe as my friend suggested, dont do anything then six months auto terminated. Still got 26 hours to go, if sept got more 2 to 9 slots, will consider going for it.

Now waiting for mum to go guzheng class. 

First day

Haha what a day.

Forgot to bring my charger, went to buy 1. Then when i want to charge, my phone back came off. Lucky thing is still can use. So later after work going to have to buy a new phone. Looking to buy Xiaomi 14T Pro.

Now waiting for my laptop, so meantime entertaining myself surfing net. But funny, dunno what to surf.

After I get my laptop, crux is to get everything setup. Will be busy i guess.

Time passes very slowly. 

Googling about dog ordour. Xiaobao smells very badly. She smelled like piss even though i just bathed her. 

I have this feeling she is going to pass on soon. Have to treat her better, but if not for her shit eating habits, I would. If i give her other food, she LS a few days.

I dont dare give her anything to eat, other than the dry food. Need feed her more at night.

I hope I will last longer than my dogs because I know my sisters wont be able to take care of them if I am gone

I am a lousy dog owner, and will not go get any new pets. 不要去害动物。

Penning them down so that I dont forget.

I also could not get my tranexamic acids med. Need to see dr then can. Rescheduled my dr appt earlier.

Aimless

I have almost ran out of youtube videos to watch.

Today having my 2nd heavy menses in Aug, feeling v tired but also restless. Later got to take my meds.

I wish to be productive but at the same time, everything seem pointless.

I focus on one thing at a time. Yesterday was my first swim lesson since 15 years ago. Nostalgic. I still remembered I was very diligent to go swim every alternate day when I was at 养虫公司. Then i found my breast lump issues.

LG had given me 15 years, I am grateful. If i go today, I dont have alot of regrets. 

Today stuck at home because of my period. Scared it leaked. Simon delivered my chairs, which I bought from taobao.... the armchair is too plastic, it wont last long as plastic will crack. Oh well, I will just have to use it.

Picked up ff16 again, getting into the vibes again. Tmr will be my first say back to my ex company, jiayou le.

Thinking of what happens after 6 months

As the days go by, the day to return to my old workplace draw closer.

I feel nothing as nothing much has changed but I believe I will appreciate my old workplace more. The colleagues, the lunch kakis, the Aircon, the freedom to go toilet when I need to, having a desk (I cannot believe I am saying this), a locker, a pantry, 

These are what I have not experienced whether in my usher job, airport or security job. I can't form deep bonds with anyone. Been so for 1 year plus.

I realized I have forgotten how to book a room or even arrange a virtual meeting.

Anyway have to learn from scratch. Jiayou le even if the world falls apart, u can pick yourself up. Absorb like a sponge.

I realized that I cannot blend or mix with younger folks, dunno whether it is a generation gap or not. Don't have much to talk about. My interest are games and personal finance. 

There were times I imagine I was employed in another office setting, then I believe I won't be able to talk with my colleagues who are likely fresh graduates.

Just a lot of thoughts today, that I am literally feeling very left behind. 

But I console myself, even IF I could mix with them, the relationship is superficial. Need not think too much. They won't miss you when you are gone. Zero...

不需要执着，也不需要被想念。这才是真正的自由。

Which sequence of stocks will I liquidate

As the SG stock market rises, I will consider to liquidate my stocks in the following sequence:

- Singtel if it reaches 4.50

- CDL if it reaches 8.00

- Keppel if it reaches 10.00

- Uol if it reaches 10.00

- HLF if it reaches 2.80

Some jobs I wish to try out in future

Florist - go pick up lessons

Pet shop assistant

Retail assistant

Groceries assistant

F&B

Hdb floor leak?

Today I woke up 5am plus so that i can prep the dogs - which mean feeding them and letting them pee and poo. I have to go outside then xiaobai will go and do that. So i did all this before 8am then put them in my room while I wait for the hdb officer to come. 

He was delayed, he came 10.45am (1h45min late) anyway he settled everything by 12.20pm. 

Then i cleaned my room and fell asleep watching yt. Woke up still feeling v tired so i exercised 1hr on the elliptical. Made my maggie mee plus rice plus fang shu ye mixture...

Then decided to write down some thoughts. I think I am developing a phobia for my airport work, I cant bring myself to go do the jobs even though I have all the time. 

I am definitely avoiding but i still need to clear 26hours more. I have to start small, haiz i think i am frightened by all the red taming and unpleasant customer experience but I must not let fear dictate my life. I forgot that 99.9 of the customers are good. 

Slowly but surely, I will pick up the momentum.

Sold all seatrium

Sold all my seatrium shares and waiting to buy Ocbc when it dipped to 12 bucks.

Getting lazy

Is it burnout or pure laziness?

I have not worked a day since 30 jul, last was ASM.

Been staying home or going out when bored to stakeout popmart.

Keep delaying bathing dogs or sweeping and mopping floors. Not a good sign.

Can't sleep at night. I believe is all the inactivity. Tonight should go running. 

Tmr go gym with Jenn.

I feel very scared of even working at airport. I dunno, this has been worsening and I get very worried before every job. I still need 26 hours but I can't bring myself to work. Haiz....hasnt worked one day in August. Not a good sign. 

I believe I am running away from my problems - packed the determination to see it through. I should try to see if I can work on wed and Thurs...

Dream

Documenting my dream down in case it means something in future.

I have not dreamt of LG for quite some time. To me, maybe it was a sign he had reached nivarna or another world and he could put down everything here.

Anyway last night had a vivid dream, that he was alive and it was like 3 months before he passed on. Somehow time had reversed and I was given the luxury to spend my last three months with him. I remembered telling or asking him if I could take some long leave or something so I could spend more time with him. He questioned why.

Then I used my fingers to signal that he would die of a heart attack on 9 May. Erm actually he died on 22 Aug (15 of 7th month). I don't know why I said 9 May.

He was unfazed. Then next scene, I saw a moustache guy (those guzhuang look) was in a room using an umbrella or something (without touching the thing) to play a zither (look like guzheng). I think it is him but LG don't play guzheng. Then we were in another room with a toy or lousy zither with somebody else but he and that someone was clad in 古装, talking about the zither. 

I woke up then.

I don't know what this dream means.

What to buy next?

 Have been liquidating my stocks, starting from my US stocks. Left only Nike shares. Then I moved on to liquidate my SG stocks - seatrium, sheng siong and now aiming more seatrium if it hits 2.50. 

With the excess cash, I would hold and hopefully could buy OCBC shares if it drops to 12 bucks. With the growing global uncertainties, and possible recession in 2H25 or 1H26, the bank share price should drop in tandem with the economic conditions. For now, inaction is key to further success. 

Next year March would see me settling my home loan, then I will be debt free. I can have more peace of mind. My OA would be emptied.

One step at a time, going back to my previous job for a short stint of 6 months. Apprehensive but I believe I could tahan no matter what. 

I would need to clear 170hours of my airport jobs soon. Stopped my usher already. 

Going back

Yesterday was an adventure. The night before, I had a very vivid dream that I was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer. Tan Tock Seng doctor referred me to private hospital because they were shorthanded. Then funnily, the private hospital was just opposite our 713 flat. My younger sister accompanied me to see the dr whom she happened to know. Then the Dr started performing rites on me...then I woke up, and when I went back to sleep, my dream continued. I was trying to settle matters but those matters kept hindering me and I could not get to my Dr appointment.

Felt very tired when I woke up, so decided to laze around and I was looking forward to a very long lunch and sheng xiong shopping. Well, after I finished and got back home, I received a message from my ex supervisor.C. She asked if I was open to go back to work as a temp. Told her am keen if just 3 days. She would find out more from HR if such an arrangement was possible.

Anyway I did not pin much hope because our HR was quite sticky about things so till today, I still don't pin much hope on them to agree to such flexible arrangement.

Anyway no harm done, my work for this week is with ESS. Play by ear, if nothing come to fruition, I just continue doing what I am doing - juggling 3 jobs :)

Concert

My first ever concert in life... goes to Waikin.

Haha I had an opportunity to attend a concert with my friend and her friends. Nowadays it is getting harder to buy concert tickets. 

I roughly know what I would be like, reserved. Thoroughly was humming along or singing along with the songs. I am not those who are hyper during concert.

I realized I prefer jazz or blues occasionally whenever I feel overwhelmed. Not into the concert vibes, I prefer having a drink and listening to jazz or soothing music. I guess it is an age thingy. Or maybe something I learnt from my dad, 一个人喝闷酒。

I am happy to have a corner and observe or listen to nice music. That is what I like.

Waikin concert and swimming

I decided to buy swimming costume and accessories. This was on my mind because I keep having phobia of waters as I cannot swim . Emailed a school. My stuff should come by first week of August.

Secondly, today marks my 人生第一个演唱会 - 周华健. My friend jioed me and I agreed to it. This year there was many first - first musicals, 话剧 and now concert.

Tmr should pen down my thoughts if any.

Penang again

Went on a 4d3n penang trip with Eve.

We took SQ, she stayed 1 night at my place and we grabbed to T2. Reached penang, managed to get early check in at 12. 

D1

Went soka near airport. Wanted to eat ah leng char kway teow but was closed. Driver nice enough to bring us to teochew cendol and we had the char kway teow there. It was hot. Bought some pastries from Ming Siang Tai.

Then we grabbed to 田园 based on driver recommendation for their tau sau piah. Bought alot then we grabbed back hotel. Then we went gurney plaza and paragon b4 we went to eat the michelin nyonya which was superb. 

D2

We ate chee cheong fun but it was not the famous one. Then we went penang hill. Took the fornicular tram but no view as it was foggy. Ate lunch at marrybrown then proceeded to wonderfood museum, upside down then chagee. Then we grabbed back hotel b4 we went to the new lane hawker lane to eat hokkein mee and lor mee - aerage. We ended the night with a nice ice cream at urban artisan.

D3

Ate dim sum at fu er dai, then we went chew jetty, 1st avenue (lousy) and pranglin (lousy) b4 we went 2nd soka branch. Went to eat durian - 青皮rm40 per kilo. It was just nice. Then we had dinner at 正香芋头饭. 

D4 

Woke up then checked out. Had mac bf which was average. Back to sg by 1.40pm.

Nearing the finish line

Today, me and my aunt went to lawyer wong, the 6th time to settle my 3rd uncle sg assets.

She also decided to close the dbs account since she would be transferring her sgx shares for me to sell. 

Coincidentally my bro whom came out on fri, also was going back to muar, so they were in the same 霸王车。

What is remaining is the transfer of shares, and i also need to go ask about UOB dividend warrants (got 10). Hopefully my aunt need not come out. I could wire her the proceeds from uob after the sale of her shares.

She gave me another angbao 500. In total, she had given me 2000 for me helping her. I didnt want to take anymore but she insisted. She only took back 9.6k from the dbs bank account of which she had given me 2k. Of course there still 30++k that would go to her eventually but somehow I still didnt want to take the monies. 

I wanted to help both mother and son, cos after all, she didnt do anything to us at all. It was my 3rd uncle we hated.

I don't have to do anything

Past few days had been quite uneventful. Abit sian at home watching youtubes. Need to spruce up my life abit. Next few days will be working 5hours mostly a day. Happy to have an excuse to go out. Getting lazy especially after coming back from Taipei trip.

After I got my new bag

After I got my braun buffel bag, I decided to gift or sell away my old bags.

I sold my small beige carlo rino bag for 20 bucks. Gift away my skecher sling bag (foc from skecher runs) and my carlo rino grey birthday bag that I bought for 90plus dollars. 

1 in, 3 out. The remaining bags are still being used as I am mostly using them on my work days.

Ys

These 2 nights, had dreamt of my hubby. The first night he came with me to a place with many kittens, then he ended up throwing some food to the cats.

Last night, I was visiting somebody's place then one person said there were some 法宝扇子 that my hubby 开光 before. Then suddenly the scene changed and I was walking with Ys, him in a yellow top. Then we were going around and taking some statue to kowtow to the temples then suddenly he collapsed and I tried to do CPR on him and .... My dreams mostly ended on this note. Maybe in my mind, I always think he could have survive if I had given him CPR correctly that day. 

Till date, I always teared when thinking of this, it would be my regret that I would hod on till the end of my life. Traumatized ... even after 3 years.

永远无法释怀的。

I could only try to occupy myself with work.

Taipei with J

17 Jun to 21 Jun

On impulse, we decided to go for a short trip to Taipei, J mainly to go to Mayday exhibition and stayreal merchandise. 

On 17 Jun, we met 11pm at T1, the flight was 1am via SCOOT.

We reached Taipei, 6am and after taking an express mrt, we reached out hotel 9am after a short break at 7-11 at the airport. We checked in and then we went out for a yong he dou Jiang breakfast. Yummy.

Then we went to Mayday exhibition, J couldn't help her friends get the baseball tee. Then after 2 rounds, and a short exhibition, we went lalaport. The whole mall was very high end, we ended up eating lunch at a jap burger shop. After that, we went back to ximending, and shopped around.

2nd day, we had breakfast at a luroufan shop, ate a hearty meal the we set off for stayreal. J went to q while I walked around nearby, chanced upon Cheng pin and spent 3 hours there. Brought some wuliao stuff for my mum, sisters. Then went back to meet J. 

We had a good lunch at a gardenly restaurant.

Then we headed back. Shopped a bit around ximending as J wanted to get the passport chop.

Third day, we went to eat breakfast by buying at 7-11, I had a very nice mayouji noodle. Then we set off for the textile lane, bought my Taiwan LV bag hahah so auntie. Then we just ate fresh sashimi at a market. Then we headed to the underground mall. I wanted a sweater. 

After some shopping, J bought a bag while we decided to go back to the converse short. Wanted to try on a sweater, ended up with another sweater as the one I liked, looked v funny as it seems to emphasize my breasts....

Bought the bomber style, luckily I bought because the airport and the flight was very cold. I managed to fall asleep on the plane. So tired

Reached sg early, asked J to go home while I wait for my sis and mum. We ate mac and drank luckin, to wait for popmart to open. We then bought a chakra, got a lei. Haha then at 11am, I went to snatch energy bubu turned out no need to snatch as it was available whole day.....

This concluded my first short trip with J. It was memorable as I just wanted to get away and eat.

Life after FIRE

Started the day watching a youtube video of a lady talking about pife after FIRE.

This resonated with me abit.

I always thought I would live happily ever aafter when I reach my FIRE number 500k.

I thought I could then spend more time with hubby, slow down and relax. My hubby passed away before I could reach FIRE. All my planning had gone largely to waste.

Even though I managed to reach FIRE 2 years after his death, there is nobody to share my joy, share my life. 

Then before I quit my job, i wrote down all the stuff I wanted to do, and I largely have not done much.

Most of my days are spent playing PS5, go out jalan with my sister, working 2 to 3 days a week just to keep me on my toes. I wanted to go back to jogging but weather too hot. Will continue my erhu and guzheng lessons. Take things ez as there is nothing I wish to do.

Tooth implant

Today did a 2nd tooth implant. Damage 1950 MA plus 170 GST cash. Three months later, will do the tooth moulding. The tooth will cost 1100, need do another 11 days worth of work haha. 

DBZ chapter

In Oct 2024, I dug out my DBZ and sailor moon cards and decided to sell them away. I have kept these cards for over 30 years.

Throw them away, heart pain. Keep them, no more feeling.

So after 9 months, I finally sold all my DBZ cards. Earlier have already sold my sailor moon ones.

This ended a three decade old hobby. Haha never could have imagined that there are people who are still willing to pay for the golden cards.

Now am into figurines. 2D to 3D.

Will I live another three decades? Likely not.

Who am I living here for? For now, mum and 2 doggies. Xiaobai is sick, she might not have long. Need to be mentally prepared. Feed her 10% more. Still having diarrhea so don't dare feed too much else like last week, she LS the whole toilet down. This morning also, LS...

Xiaobai, if she passes, I believe she will join hubby in the afterworld.

FIRE - very lean FIRE

I remembered I thought my dividends could cover my expenses and I planned a year b4 i quit my cushy job. The dividends did until my expenses shot up due to certain expenses - dental, gaming, short vacation trips.

These always made my supposedly 1800 monthly expenses shoot up to 2500, additional 700.

So in Dec I thought I would just get a part time job that works 3 days a week and pays me 800, so I have 2800 a month with some buffer.

Fast forward 7 months, I have done it. I have 3 side jobs. Certis, usher and now events.

Actually who am i leaving my estate to. I cannot possibly spend 650k.

I should relax and enjoy my money more. Donate more while I am alive.

Meetup with wj

Today I jioed my longtime sec school friend out to lunch. She had just came back from Spain after 8 months of studying. We met at chinatown hawker centre, ate the 红油抄手，锅贴，  and some 米糕。 It was nice and it was the Michelin star one. Then I went to buy kopi from the 五十年代 which won 2024 Michelin. Hmmm

As we got hotter, we decided to jalan Abit then we drank the 杨枝甘露 from a stall near the junction to chinatown point. Then we went to eat some dessert at Hiroshi coffee.

Wj may be staying in Spain for another 4 years for her PhD. We talked a lot. Anyway for me, told her studying is out for me. I will just do manual jobs to while my time away. Who knows how long I have left.

Today sold my cpf Singtel shares. Locking in profits to prepare for the full redemption in March 2026.

Life is short, are there anything you wish to do? The answer is a no. I have no regrets already. I would have been gone age 26. As hubby had said, I was 'eating' or leaning on him, to keep me alive. I have been living on borrowed time for 16 years, what more can I ask except for a fast death.

Treated mum to atas restaurant

Today brought my mum to crown plaza hotel to meet her friend from Australia.

Her friend brought her milk powder and medicines. Waited 45min then I went to meet my coll at jewel to chat. Then as my mum was coughing, suggested for her to eat lunch at the atas italian. Had risotto and sphageti and 2 coffee. Mum enjoyed the risotto while i ate the sphageti.

After lunch, went straight home and i left for my home

Work

For the past 1 week, I have worked at indoor stadium for 3 days. Omg my first day was inside and I had aircon and toilet whole day at my side.

For yesterday and today, I was outside and it was so so so so hot. It was as bad as national stadium. However time flies because I always have something to do. Breaks were more frequent.

I thought I would faint one day but I didnt. It was so hot and I was wearing 2 layers. Luckily for breaks, I could go and enjoy some aircon to cool down. Phew today was a shorter day. Earned another 300.

Booked 2 trips...

On a whim, I decided to join my ex colleague J on a short trip to Taiwan, Taipei. That was yesterday.

Today, another colleague that i jioed before for penang, called. I guess it really was fated. Booked another 4d3n stay to Penang.

For Taipei, just going to follow my coll with the main aim to relax and eat, jiak.

For penang, will be the one planning with inputs. Hope we come back still ok.

For both, this would be a first time travelling. Hope our relationship dont sour.

No more 9 to 5pm five days

These few days I had been pondering a question - can I ever get back to.a 9 to 5pm five days a week job.

Ever since I quit my job last year July, I knew then that I will likely not be able to get back another such job. Due to ageism and lack of skills.

I was prepared to do anything to, except to wash toilet. I could do dish washing.

Though I was prepared, I felt a certain level of guilt when I thought of my father putting me through university, only to land up in this state - doing lowly paid manual labour. Did I bring shame or anything to him but there are people doing such jobs. I am doing such job because I want to.

On the other hand, I asked myself what do I want? I want to work 3 days only but which office job allows me to do this. Even lowly paid admin jobs shunned me the moment I tell them I am 42. Sense of awkward silence.

I was prepared for this but still since I made the choice, I will live with it since ultimately it is my life.

For 18 years, I have lead a corporate life. I pushed it away last year and there is no looking back. Continue to live a life of no regrets.

My dream bag

Today went Tampines century square to see popmart for a new chaka series. Unfortunately there was not any. So we went other places to see other blindboxes and ended up with a chip and dale one. I got an umbrella version while my sis got the secret one which was a disappointing female chipmunk.

Then I suggested to go to Tampines One Uniqlo to see if a certain bra top I want, is on sale. Ended up in isetan because my sister mentioned isetan closing down so got sale. My sister 怂恿 me to look at the Braun buffel bags on sale.

Actually 2 years ago, when we first went genting outlet shopping, I saw a navy blue flag bag that was very nice at carlo rino but there was no new piece. Ever since, I had been looking for it to no avail.

Today in isetan, I found one that look like the one I was searching for, in navy blue. The size was just right.

It was 599, and after discount 430.

Well my sis egged me on to buy it. I was hesitant as I have quite a few bags already. And this would be my most expensive bag. In the end, I still bought it because this could be the only time I see it. Damage done, no more bags for 10 years. Hope it last.

I had a braun buffel wallet which had lasted me so many years and still going strong. I hope this new bag can last me a decade. It grows on me. So because I got this bag, I decided to sell my extra bags. See if got takers.

Concert

Finally I worked with J in a concert setting. I was very anxious. Of course as a newbie, I am not used to everything but I believe I can get beta.

We had lunch at sweet garden cafe, a nice cosy place in mountbaten. Then we were still v early so we walked around, J showing me the various places.

Hope this is a new beginning.

Jiayou

Health

Yesterday went to polyclinic to visit doc for my blood tests.

There are 2 red flags - creatinine level and my iron level.

For me, most worrying is my creatinine. My sister has kidney failure, no root cause. So not sure when is my turn 

Since 2022, my doc showed me my creatinine level is 90, stable. I also need to come follow up every 6 months to check my kidney and iron. 

Another worrying is my breast, need to do mammogram every year.

Hong Kong counter

Today I finally decided to buy 2 Hong Kong stocks - Bank of China and Alibaba.

I deposited 6k into my moomoo, converted to HK dollars and bought 2000 BOC and 200 Alibaba.

Why? Because after exiting US stocks except for Nike shares, I thought of putting my cash elsewhere. 

After listening to Master Leong, i was influenced to park my money in Hong Kong as I felt China will emerge victorious against US.

I am in for the long term.

My 3rd uncle wife

Ever since my 3rd uncle passed away 10 years ago, I did not have anything to do with his wife.

All along she and my mum got along. I remembered mum always buying her clothes.

We were on good terms, no hatred. Nothing. The feud with 3rd uncle is only with him. He had already gone and so had my father.

Last year when I was contemplating to resign my cushy job, I decided to help my aunt claim my 3rd uncle assets in SG. It started with my mum who tried to help her find out the info from the banks. I also called CDP to understand. Things were abit more complicated as my uncle was a foreigner.

Long story short - the sg lawyer said to do a LPA on his assets so since sept last year, my aunt had been coming to SG whenever the lawyer need her to sign documents. Tmr would be the 3rd meeting - hopefully and last.

After the LA is done, i will need to send to the CDP, then sell the stoks and deposit into dbs bank acc b4 closing. Writing this down in case I forget about it.

She gave me 2 angbaos, 1500sgd altogether. I didnt help her because of money, I helped her purely out of kinship. She being a vietnamese and I being an abled person who could help and it was within my means.

Exited US stocks

I sold off all of my US shares except for Nike.

Sold citigroup, Alibaba, Coca cola.

Why I sold my shares - potential devaluation of US dollars as one-third of US debt matures in June. Could this be the catalyst for a long drawn global recession.

Chances are high - Warren Buffett is holding onto cash.

I will continue to accumulate my warchest little by little.

I remembered that how I ventured into US stocks. I wanted to buy Coca cola shares. Then I saw a YouTuber share how to use Moomoo. That was how I decided to open a Moomoo account and started investing.

Overtime, I bought even Meta when it crashed to 100plus dollars. Sold it off for a profit of 4300 sgd. I made a total profit of 7000sgd from buying and selling of US stocks on a capital of less than 18k, over 4 years.

Maybe it is time to venture into HK market. But for now, am accumulating warchest.

Got a new erhu

I decided to stop learning guqin. I still have 1300 worth of lesson, in the end the school only allowed me to use 760 to buy an erhu. The remaining five lessons were forefeited. 

I decided to accept since I doubt I could find anyone to transfer me package to. And my current erhu already 8 years old. After testing my new erhu, I learnt to appreciate my old erhu. The sound is so much loud and clear.

Anyway was contemplating whether to sell off my new erhu, but maybe I will keep it. Abit 舍不得。Funny how I felt this but don't feel anything to my guqin. 

See how things go from here. For now, I will just focus on learning erhu and guzheng. Whereas guqin, I just try to play on my own.

Exciting May month

There are a few things I look forward.

1) Phantom of the opera 29 May (one of my bucket list)

2) Liguohuang show 30 May

3) Working as SO with J in Lady Gaga concert

4) GE - working as SO night shift

I started working in airport. It was a very hectic Friday - 3 flights in 4 hours. Thurs was ok - 2 flights in 4 hours. I started getting the gitters on Thurs morning. But whatever I must press on. Else need pay back 1000 bucks.

一山还有一山高。

Initially thought the usher job was shitty. Then started working at Buona vista, it was worse because of the heat. Then thought changi is better. But for that 2 days, I sweat like mad - my uniform would have been soaked if not for the inner tee shirt I wear. Now I am feeling how cushy my previous job at stat board was. Earning money through manual labour is not as easy as I thought.

I am thinking how the airport flexi staff could tahan this. They are mucher older than me. I could bearly tahan 4hours.

Was thinking if flexi are being tekkan. But I got to learn. If I got fired, then it is a sign airport is not for me. 这也没办法。

AvSO

Today I will be going for my 2nd shift. Yesterday made 2 mistakes, will try not to make it today. Learn from your mistake.

Just keep going.

Don't stop moving.

Next week working Fri (usher) and sat (night SO). Next mon got a full day course.

Would have earned 104 for these 2 days work.

Ended my guqin lessons

Yesterday I made the decision to end my guqin lessons. I started my guqin lessons after my kkh surgery in 2023 Jan.

It had been 2 years. Why I picked up this, was that I was still suffering from my grief. My hubby passed away in Aug 2022. I thought it was an easy instrument and I could play it stressfree.

After 2 years, I couldnt grasp the basics. I cant understand the score. This had been bugging me from the start. Secondly my teacher always wasnt playing attention and looking at his phone during my lessons. He also eat into my 45 mins. Something I tolerated for many months. Finally the last straw came last sunday. I was playing this piece for many weeks. Each time I went to class, he tells me different things. Then that day, he said i made the most fundamental mistakes....i think it is a sign that I should not continue. 

I have given this a go for 2 years plus. I felt very stressed to play the instrument which was totally the complete reason why I took it up.

Still have 13 lessons each worth 95 left which I wish to use to buy an erhu. See how, if cant, either convert to erhu or somewhat.

Finished PS5 games

Ever since I quit my job last July, I started playing PS5 games.

- Valkyrie profile Elysium

- Harvest moon

- wukong

- FF7 rebirth

- Tales of arise

- Persona 5 royal (just completed today)

- Star ocean divine force 

Going to get a new game Metaphor regranzio. Need to research which jpg to go buy.

My non existential career

I just completed my training to be an aviation officer. The training was eight days and not easy. If too confident, or careless, could easily fail the tests.

Next week will have 4 days of ojt and if I passed, I would be on my own.

I see half of my class to be elderly and half young. The young ones are just tiding through the period and still looking on for other jobs. The other end are people who are elderly and have to work to feed themselves.

I began to think what do I really want? Three days flexi and choosing when to work forever or another full time career. Problem is I don't think I have the drive to climb the corporate ladder. Felt tired easily. If I have kidney failure, I think I can still do flexi work though it would be difficult. Ushering, security and aviation.

I should try to toggle this till the day I die. No regrets, you chose this path.

Sleeping

This past week was a roller coaster ride in the market. 

I had been sleeping well, and did not worry Abit about my stocks. Yes, they were hammered. But as Warren Buffett said, if you like to eat hamburgers, you would be happy that the prices of hamburgers drop and buy. 

I am eyeing a few stocks but they had not dropped to the price I want.

This tariff thingy not going to end anytime sooner, will garner headlines for the coming weeks. Hold on tight.

Chaos in the markets

The bloodbath in the stock market started last Thurs. The US tariffs against the world, are causing the chaos.

I am not going in now as I have limited cash. Will aim a few stocks - OCBC if it hits below 10. Keppel if below 5. UOL if below 5. 

Am looking at these three. 

Stay sane.

Dividends payout may fall so be prepared to have to work more days.

Penang trip 2025

Finally the Penang trip was over. I planned the trip for 5 colleagues. 

The itemanary was very chill, with only one place of interest and the rest shopping.

Day 1 

Checked into a huge airbnb. Had lunch at gurney mall and shopped Abit in gurney plaza 

When sun set, we went chew jetty and Armenian street, making our way to chulia street for dinner which was wanton, char kuey teow and rojak. Then we went chagee and grabbed home.

Day 2

Breakfast was fu er dai dimsum, it was surprising good. Then we grabbed to kek lok si temple. The temple was quite commercialized, we had to take the lift twice to get down from the top. Grab driver are not allowed to go up to the top. When grabbing, driver recommended us to go ho ping to buy a migu. We did and it created a lot of laughter because nobody want to eat the so called no.1 migu. We went karaoke, then foot massage before ending with a late dinner at ding tai feng.

Day 3

Breakfast was at kakfa coffee. It was brunch. I ate the cempadek cheesecake, which was ok and didn't send me to heaven though. I had french toast. Then we grabbed to check out, before making our way to the peranajan mansion. Next we chilled abit at the o.o white coffee cafe. It was hot. Then we grabbed to Kia Lai bakery but the lotus bread with floss was sold out. Half of them bought something. Then we grabbed back to take our luggage and grabbed to airport. My colleagues all ate macdonald, I didn't because was feeling full then on flight back, I ate the pizza that sia provided. Yummy, hot piping pizza. Home sweet home, my colleague hubby drove me home.

This concluded my Penang trip, think the last was more than 6-7 years ago.

Jealousy

Well I thought I won't be jealous because I did not feel jealousy towards my colleagues when I was working and they got promoted. Because I truly believe they deserved the promotion.

But today while watching a YouTube video which tells people to not tell people how much they have, I recalled a conversation with my ex colleagues. Some of them are getting a promotion this year. 

I remembered feeling very jealous but I know I don't want it. Recalling my own promotion, my stress level shot through the roof. I felt like a failure because I got staff that I need to look out for and one was not performing well. 

Anyway when I last left, both my staff were doing well. I left with an 安心. This is why I no longer hankers after any high paying job, the anxiety for my own works, my staff works and everything was eating me away. I had insomnia where I would wake up at 3am everyday.

I was anemic, lack of sleep, overweight, chronically tired. When I get a cough, I would cough 3 months.

Now I can sleep till 7am, lost some weight, eat better, and if down with cough, cough 1-2 weeks. All these are signs of better health.

No point having more money as you can't bring it to your grave. Live fruitfully.

Restless

I realized I can't sit and do nothing. I had been playing my PS5 game Persona and hit a roadblock. I would stop liao cos just nice my training starts on 2 April. Then thought to switch to watching YouTube. While watching YouTube, I did some packing for my upcoming Penang trip. After my trip, I would start my training at Toh Tuck.

It is 8 months into my semi retirement life. This month, I would have earned 600 bucks. Haha when I compare this to my full time job pay of 9k, is heaven and earth. I don't regret it. Recently I don't feel well, this could be my end.

Even so, I will not change my lifestyle. Daily caifan and Chinese noodle. I had been eating so for these months and I still like it. 

Tmr, I would be meeting ys sisters and niece. We had wanted to have lunch but due to ys big bro, the Feb lunch was cancelled. Will be going to Raffles club. Just had to wear better. I am not sure how much the lunch would cost, but I intend to play dutch. Later go google. Costs are around 25 or above.

I ask myself whether I see myself working like this ... Yes. I would treat my usher, security job as exercise. I need to learn from Pritar, an 80 year old who works 26 days a month, doing a strenuous job. Even for myself, I find it strenuous but he had worked there for 6 years and just want to work more days. I very peifu him. I am half his age, and he is not complaining, so why am I?

One mountain higher than this mountain

一山还有一山高

Today is my first usher day after almost 2 months break.

It was a breeze even though it was new to me. There are 2 new exhibitions so got more slots for us to work. Initially was going to work today then I would have no work till 2 April.

Then suddenly I got a WhatsApp asking me to work tmr. Well, why not 

Today worked non stop 5 hours but ok mainly because I got trained by my security job where I had to work 6 sometimes 7 without a break. And there, it was hot. I always sweat like mad. Then I did 12 hour shift recently. Woah, it was tiring.

So today after a hiatus, I realized how good my usher job feels. There is aircon and free meals. Only bad point is I can't go toilet as and when I like, so had to not drink water until my lunch break and dinner break. Initially wanted to stop my usher job after I trained for aviation. But now, I decided otherwise, maybe go work once a week.

8 months since I left my full time job

When someone asked me when I left my full time job, I realised it had been 8 months. 

I still remember the scenes of my last day like it was 1 or 2 months ago.

I started finding part time jobs to pass time in late dec, and it is almost 3 months. The days pass very slowly, but the month passed very quickly. In 4 months, it will be 1 year. Nobody missed me at work. 

Nobody is indispensable no matter who tells you otherwise. As Sadhguru says, today u varnish, there is no impact to the world.

Earned on average 500 bucks per month. Am I happy? Yes. I can sleep better. Previously I would wake up 3am and cannot sleep. Now i wake up naturally at 7am plus.

My weight is down to 60.4kg, I lost 10kg. Was heaviest at 70kg in Jan 2024. Maybe the cortisol level makes it difficult for me to lose weight all these while.

Appetite on and off. Today appetite comes back.

Am not sure whether I can live for how long more. Cherish everyday and treat as experiences. 

As I looked back, I have forgotten alot of my memories of my previous travels. I am afraid I would forget him someday. I hope this day does not come.

Gain as much experiences whether good or bad, and you can share them with him when you meet again.

Today is my 3rd working day for March

I only worked 6 days in Feb mainly becos I have no usher jobs. Then the no-usher-job extended into March. 

Maybe after my April training, I would quit the usher job cos they also dun have much jobs.

This month, I am also only working 5 days, 4 days as security and 1 day usher.

Had been thinking about whether this is truly what I want. And yes, it is. 

I have the ability to control when I feel like working. 

Someone asked me if I would go back to full time work. I doubt so, at least not for the next 1 or 2 years. Just want to avoid the anxiety I feel, on every working days. This is my problem but I feel anxiety even when going for usher job.

So can imagine if this is how I feel, it would be even worse 5 days a week.

Yes, i missed my fat paycheck and ability to spend without battling an eyelid, but after the past 8 months of low income, I have not died nor starved. 

A daily routine would be watching youtube, playing ps5, music instruments and jogging. Yes, I need to pick it up again. My lifestyle would not change much already. There would be times when I am extremely bored at home and I would go out to jalan jalan.

The appetite comes in and out, mainly is the end of me soon.

CDL

Bought another 2 lots of CDL. I believe the current debacle will not affect the long term viability of the company, just like how Singpost is still around despite the recent events.

CDL has a NAV of 10 dollars, I have a large margin of safety by buying at 4.97.

After this, I have no more ammunition to buy stocks. Shall rest and accumulate very slowly.

Bored day

Today is my last free tuition. E only needs to come back if her spelling falls below 70. See whether this tactic works, and also simon can spend more time with his family.

Then my guqin teacher fell sick so class was cancelled. So have been idling around since 10.30am. Then decided to practise my erhu 1 hr.

Then while sitting in my room,  I was thinking how to reduce my room furniture. Wanted to throw 1 cupboard away. Actually I can, managed to clear most of the cupboard stuff. Another day will consolidate then i will email the town council to come and clear.

Thiinking of minimising my stuff, maybe is due to my own health. I do not want to leave behind alot of rubbish for my sisters to clear. So I am going to start and see if I could reduce my stuff by 50%.

Also, since I am pretty bored and free, I could start to embark on this journey.

Actually abit 不舍得， that cupboard is YS medicinal cupboard and the wood is very good. 

Anyway I think I can clear out my stuff first. My clothes getting abit more - mainly because I bought 4 top and 2 pants for my usher and security job.

Jogging

I decided to pick up jogging again after Sep 2024 yellow prison run.

That particular run made me felt so demoralized because I couldnt run at all. The steep inclines and declines throughout the 10km, made me doubt my life.

So after that run, I stopped completely. 2 weeks ago, I just decided to run again. This jogging habit was something I did after hubby died. Mainly it was to make me exhausted so I could sleep - was suffering insomnia after his death.

Whenever I run, I would tell myself he would be waiting at the finish line.

Today is my hatch day. Was feeling aimless and seeing the weather, decided to run. But today at the park, there wasnt many people so fearing for my own safety, I just jogged 1km and exercised at the fitness corner which is more open and visible.

Maybe I can try to exercise at the fitness corner below my block occassionally. To do some weight lifting. 

Usually I dabao kopi c kosong peng after exercising, got a rude shot. The drink now cost 2.30.... last year it was still 2 bucks. Unbelievable 15 percent increase.

Cpf rich or cash rich

I believe being cash rich is more important than being cpf rich. Why?

Because I believe i won't live too long and if there is any need, i cant touch a cent in my cpf account except for MA for my medical needs. My father died at 69 yo. Grandpa and grandma died in their 70s.

Cash is king. When there is recession, or when you need money, cash is the savior. This is why I do not do any cpf cash topup for tax relief. I rather put all my money into stocks.

Marc jacob bag

I think I am going to eat my words again. Recently I had been eating my words. First I said my marc jacob bag was a letdown, then i said i am not going to work at buona vista cos it was hot, then I said that i wont do buffet server. 

I went back on all my words. So for this post, I am going back on my marc jacob bag.

I bought the medium tote bag in Mar 2024 in japan. After that, I even went to buy an organiser for it, making it even more heavy and less spacious. The color soon started fading. And I did not use the bag very frequently until one day, I decided to either use the bag or give it away. I was very close to giving it away. But I didn't.

I threw away the organiser, and just decided to make it my everyday bag.

Woah, since then, I had been using it alot. I dun really care whether it gets dirty or not. 

And I started to enjoy the bag because it was spacious. I carry alot of things and there is no way a small bag can fit my stuff. 

It fits the bill. Haha a 2nd leash of life. Now am happily using it. Yes the colors are still fading but I couldnt care less. 

Everytime I look at it, I feel satisfied. It will be my forever bag. Trying to fight my impulse to buy useless bags. So far for this year, other than the green bag, I hasnt bought any bag. Bought it because my black bag was torn and I gave that away. The green bag was just nice when I work as an usher.

Giant grasshoopper

During chu Yi cny, at nightime, a large giant grasshopper flew into my house and sat on my altar board. I presume is my hubby, coming to see me. 

It made some loud noise when it flew in, I was watching YouTube.

Then when I saw it was a grasshopper, I remembered a day in bukit panjang flat when I was alone and 2 giant insect - one grasshopper and another praying mantis/moth flew into my kitchen then. I ignored them and went to sleep, they were gone the next day.

The grasshopper was gone the next day. I remembered when I told LG of the 2 insects, he said they were probably the deceased coming to visit me.

I crouched low in order not to startle it, and did so when going to my master bathroom to brush my teeth, and also in living room to switch off the lights.

Will we meet again?

Seatrium 2.48

Sold another 5k shares of seatrium at 2.48/share. 12.4k cash in the bag. 

This is pure profit as the shares were given for holding Keppel shares.

Will sell 5k if the share price reaches 3, and remaining 5k at 3.50.

Became a low wage worker

Before I quit my govt job, I was prepared for the worst. Not finding an equivalent pay job.

Frankly I am in my current stage of doing part time job by choice. I no longer yearns to work 5 days. I want to spend more time with family while getting by. Just want to scrape by with 800-1000 per month if possible through my part time job. Feb will see me earning 430 only as I do not have the usher job. Meantime exploring buffet server - this is giving me the anxiety. 

I do not need a high paying job because my dividends are giving me 2k a month already without working. Although they can cover my essential expenses, I have almost without any fail, unplanned expenses each month that saw me spending 2.8k a month.

Due to donation, overseas travel, dental expenditures. The dental is a killer, will apply for chas card in Aug to help manage this aspect of costs.

Nike

This month was a very free month. My usher job came to a standstill, no work at all. Previously was working three days a week. This should only resume in early March.

So in anticipation, I signed up for more security job. 6 days.

What a luxury to work only 6 days in a month. Abit unfathomable.

Anyway, I decided to buy Nike shares after it plummeted to 6 year low. Bought 15 shares at 69.9.

Hopefully when my friend is free come March, can do more security job with her.

Lost another molar tooth

I lost all my molar tooth on my lower right jaw. Going to need a dental implant later as it would affect my chewing on the right side.

Been losing tooth every 1 or 2 years. Cash outlay is 1500.

Cny 2025

I went to eat reunion dinner at mum's place until night on chu xi. Came back home and played PS5 Ff7 rebirth.

This morning, continued to play Ff7 rebirth until 1.30pm.

Tired playing games.

Can't go out cos having period and mum said not good. So later just go tabao dinner. Life is short. Do what you want in life before the end.

The last cny with LG will always be in my mind - his daughter came over and we watched karate kid. Geoky prepared the Korean food. LG ate his own chix stock.

If we have known he won't last so long, what will I choose to do? This is a question I find myself pondering. Nothing will change no matter what I do, I just got to live life.

More ps5

I broke the piggy bank and bought 2 ps5 games - ff7 rebirth and persona 5 royal.

Was thinking of them for a few weeks. Saw in tampines that the physical disc price cheaper than playstation store. Thought it through and just did it. At most I take up another day of asm work.

Next week will be working Mon and Fri.

Regarding Feb, might see if I got asm slots, if not, maybe reach out to Grace to try F&B.

Sick again

Today for no reason, I started coughing badly in the morning. Before I knew it, I was coughing up alot of phelgm. My nose was also dripping. Wtf I have barely recovered from my 5 Jan bout of flu and now today I was feeling worse. Worst, I have to work for the next 3 days.... Do I have an allergy to work -- cos back when I was working in my previous job (stat board), when I fell ill, my coughing would last more than 3 months. It was no joke and regardless of what medicine I took, it never cured my cough.

Quickly bought a cough mixture and started to take my decongest meds. Feeling abit better now. Skipped erhu today so I can sleep early today.

Last year I was concerned about my kidney (after my annual healthcheck in Mar) and then later on my breast lumps (in Oct). The first health scare were what triggered me to throw in the towel. I have enough - insomnia, bad temper, bad anxiety daily, no appetite which no matter how much exercise or brainwashing, won't make them go away. I tried learning music instruments but nothing worked. It's all in the mind.

Today the vet came to look at Lily, she is 13 yo this year, Xiaobai 12 yo. Luckily her protein level is back to normal and I will continue to boil eggs for both dogs daily. The topic of which dog dying came up either in my dream or when Elva asked me during tuition. I believed my dream was preparing me mentally that Xiaobai will die first then Lily. Maybe LG wants me to be prepared and not be sad. Xiaobai will be with him :) After that, Lily too. Me too eventually. We will all be reunited again :)

In my dream, I didn't cry when Xiaobai died. I was very cold and collected... as I felt Xiaobai will join hubby in heaven. I remembered many years ago when I was still living in Bukit Panjang, I cried when I suddenly was drying Xiaobai's fur after bathing when the thought of her dying hit me. 

But after hubby's passing, I realised I have learnt to kan de kai le. Nothing was more painful that his passing. The immense void I felt was so overbearing everyday. I cried every night for a long time until I got lao hua. I want to be strong and not shred any more tears when talking about YS so that we can all remember him as he was.

Recently when my colleague at Artscience asked me how I coped with his death, I pondered and realised I just kept busy - went back to work after 1 week. Went to take driving lessons immediately so that I could drive the car. Wrote to Public Trustee to settle his stuff. Every night, I continue to cry. 

Now the pain is not as much, I always tell myself that I will accumulate experiences (no matter good or bad) and I will tell him of my adventures. I will meet him again. I need to accumulate enough merits in this life so that I can go to Tian Jie to meet him there. 

Today a recruiter also contacted me as I applied for the perm admin post that only require me to work 3 days a week. If I get the job, which require me to go through interview, I am thinking how to balance my SO commitments cos I signed up for 4 Fridays and 1 Thurs SO work in Feb. Maybe I would need to discuss with my boss if they ever decide to employ me, that I would work Thurs instead. 

Any way was caught off guard when she asked me why I left my previous job. I told her I needed a career break after doing the same things for 14 years. A change of environment and work to break the cycle. On looking back, I was indeed doing the same things for 14 years - getting data, doing routines, enhance website, enhance internal system, upgrade internal systems just on different scales over the years.

I cannot imagine going back to the same old shit even if the pay is good. I am only earning 10% of what I earned previously but I had no regrets. I think I don't have much time left and I should focus on doing new things and learning new stuff. Whatever I have, I can't bring a cent in my after life.

Life is an adventure and I need to be wary of scams (this point is so off).

What will 2025 bring for me - a new beginning to see a bigger world and not wallow in self-pity. Practise gratefulness every day no matter what circumstances. If I die, I die in comfort cos I have a roof over my head, a warm bed and blanket, a clean toilet to use. No regrets.

PS5

In this past 6 months, I have finished a few games - harvest moon, Valkyrie elpsium, wukong, tales of arise and latest star ocean divine force.

Next game I am eying is FF7 rebirth and metaphor. I saw that they are selling at 100 and 70 respectively. I saw carousel peeps selling Ff7 rebirth at 45, and metaphor at 50. I can save 70 bucks.

Hmm while I mull over it, I continued to apply for flexible part time jobs. It is to not lose the momentum.

4 more workings days as usher till end of Jan. I went to count how much I had earned from ushering - 900 in past 1 month.

I had wanted to find a job that pays me 800 a month. This fits my requirement and I can choose my working days. So shiok.

Next month Feb, likely no more ushering. So therefore I had been applying for jobs. I have 5 SO days. So see when the next adventure brings me to.

Working for the experiences and to open my eyes to the world out there.

LG will be proud of me, I will share my life experiences if I see him in afterlife.

Lazy Sat

Did my usual - shave and file Lily paws. Bathed both dogs.

Completed all by 10am. Then rest abit before heading to opposite to eat cai peng. Yesterday had a very full lunch and dinner at mbs staff canteen.

4 more usher work days for remaining Jan. Have applied a few jobs to see if can get garden by the bay part time job.

Trying to instil discipline to work 3 days a week. Just to get the momentum as I am afraid I would grow lazy.

My income

When I chose this part, to do part time jobs on 3 work day basis, I know what is in store for me.

I started my usher training and official work in mid to late Dec. My income for Dec was 400.

My dividend income is 2k a month. 

For Jan, it will be 900++ cos I am working 11 days. Plus mu one day SO, it would be 1000.

For Feb, my usher job would stop. I signed up for 5 SO days.

Buffet tmr

Been having a sick week since last Sunday.

Tmr will be my 2nd buffet in a long while. I remembered my colleagues treating me to a swensen buffet. They did not have to for my farewell.

Tmr going to one that my ex colleague hh wants. Enjoy and unwind.

Today I went to buy a bag opposite my house. 19 bucks and paid by CDC vouchers. Why not.

My black bag was torn, and I decided to buy one with many pockets. The lady even gave me a pair of black socks, handy for my usher work.

7 more sessions and I won't have usher work anymore until March.

Shall see if there are any SO jobs that I could do in Feb. I could go back to the star vista on alternate Sundays. One day is equal to 2 usher day pay.

March should have usher again.

Another sick week

After my Sunday SO job, I fell ill. Following day went JB with elder sis to do banking and buy labubu. It was fun, though I was not in top condition. We went two malls.

Got 3 labubus, 2 for Y and 1 for G.

I myself bought tales of arise badges, which I intend to use soon. Now dun have the mood to do anything.

Ploughed through my usher work yesterday. 

Hope I could than for today and tmr.

Net worth

Every year I would track my net worth which excludes HDB.

My net worth hit 700k+ after netting my home loan. 

How long did I feel happy? 10 seconds.

I feel blessed to be in this, at the same time, it felt empty. My hubby is no longer around to share the fruits of my labour. Recently felt very empty despite the stuff I do.

I need practise gratefulness for all the things I have now. They could be gone in a jiffy.